Blog entry for:

just me, my name, myself. becoming anonymous and without self, is not a process i willingly embrace. in fact it feels contrary to all that i was taught to believe in and strive for, as i was being indoctrinated into what it was to be a man. i came to believe that taking pride in my accomplishments and being “being all that i could be,” were ideals that were desirable in all of my affairs. subjugating my notions to the will of others were a sign of weakness and to be avoided at all costs. active addiction took those ideas to new heights, as obsession with self and DESIRE created a person whose pride and ego became conceit and braggadocio. selflessness and anonymity were foreign concepts, when i first got clean, and i have already chronicled what that meant for me, in my early recovery, as i “felt” i had to me more, by doing more and letting everyone know what i sacrificed for the fellowship in general. as i grew in my recovery, i came to see that what i knew and what i did, was important, allowing others to see it, without having to “crow” about it was a desirable state, that was only driven home by my last set of steps. today i am coming to believe that my spiritual path leads me to being more, by being quieter and doing more. what i am NOT saying is that pride in my accomplishments and striving to be more is a BAD thing, an argument i often had with one of the men i once sponsored, when i take what i am and allow it to color the relationships with my peers, in my own mind, i become “more equal than others.” what i heard this morning is that my life can be greater than myself, when i allow it to be. yes i can take pride in what i become. yes i can might even be bigger than life, in the eyes of others. that may be unavoidable as i stay clean and keep coming back. forcing that image onto the stage of the local fellowship, is where the problem lies, at least for this addict.
this morning, on Christmas day, i have more than a few ideas floating around inside my head. politics, for one, rises to the top. where once there was consensus and compromise, i see tribalism and people who are stubbornly clinging to the notion that they can control the tides of change. first and foremost is that what was once a religious celebration on several levels has become a crass and commercialized excuse for excess. the fact that religion co-opted a celebration of the the “return” of the sun, in the northern hemisphere, is in and of itself an interesting and mostly overlooked idea. for me, emotionally and spiritually, this time of year, allows me to feel a lifting of the darkness and i can feel hopeful that the worst has passed. sure it is going to be winter for the next eight to twelve weeks, but at least, every single day, the days will get a little bit longer.. today, i can say Merry Christmas, to all who believe that this day has religious and spiritual meaning. best of all, this year, i can put my own take on what the holiday season means for me, as as a new year dawns, i can set goals and revisit the dreams i may have dropped by the wayside, due to my lack of hope and the internal darkness that the seasonal cycle creates within me.
part of that renewal is to allow myself to feel what i need to feel. i can be a part of the fellowship that has given me a new manner of living, without controlling or exercising undue influence, due to some arbitrary social status. it is true, i have been clean for a bit of time. it is true, i have grown up and become something more than when i walked in. it is not true, however, that i always have the best ideas, or that my experience, strength and hopes trumps any of my peers. when i let go of the image i have tried to foster and become myself, the rest just falls into place. so Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, it is after all the season of letting go of myself and giving to others.

∞ DT ∞