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and its existence is my lifeline and yet in so many ways i take it for granted that it will always be here for me and provide for my needs. my excuse? i have done my service, it is time for me to step out of the way and allow others to step up to service. this is a perennial argument i have with myself, whether of not i should return to “committee” service, or just keep doing what i am doing. i certainly used to see myself as a big fish in a very small pond and it was my ambition to figure out a way to scale all the way to the bottom of the service structure -- the world board.
stepping out of such a visible role and back into the membership was certainly one of the best things i could do for my recovery. many of my motives for serving in such a visible manner were suspect, but that is a topic for another day. in the long run, i am certainly glad that any damage i inflicted on this fellowship was cleaned up my those who walked into those roles after me. my temptation to step back into the service “spotlight” seems to be based more on ego, than on actually giving back to the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. i can critique all that i see as wrong, with how my peers are serving and be filled with negative and divisive attitudes, or i can come back to what it was, that attracted me to THIS fellowship, and not some other one, in the first place, the members who were here and what they gave me. those members and their implementation of the 12 Traditions, gave me the strength to keep coming back, long before i was ready to be a member, hell even before i was willing to stay clean. it was their service to keep the doors open in our very tiny fellowship that allowed me the freedom to get clean and finally have the desire to stay clean. regardless of how chaotically may have been, the fact was there was literature on the tables, addicts willing to answer the phone and meetings in the county lockup, and that is still the case today, thanks to the efforts of my peers and myself. i know i have said it in the past, but the fact is, i owe a debt to this fellowship that will never be repaid, no matter how much i serve my peers, so i do what i can and allow others to do the same. i understand that my efforts to carry the message may make the difference to that one addict only i can reach. i also understand that serving this fellowship is an obligation and yes a joyful thing as well. before i got clean, very few people in the world wanted what i had to offer and a few days clean has changed that equation around, for the better i believe. will i be stepping back into area service next month? nope, i think i will keep doing what i ahve been doing and allow myself the freedom to be just another addict, in recovery, staying clean just for today.

∞ DT ∞