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to understanding my peers, my family members and the world around me, feels at times one of the hardest tasks that i can undertake. after one of the most pleasant commutes i have had in quite some time, i got frustrated by setting up my work station, to be just the way i like it. of course the judgment machine kicked in and i started to castigate myself for not being smarter than the machine. once i let go of what i wanted and allowed myself to be a bit more accepting of things not working quite right, things went a bit better. i find that is the case with almost all that i do, accepting the perversity of the inanimate or how folks in my life just happen to be, brings me around to the topic at hand.
i am and certainly can be one heck of a judgmental person. i cover up that fact by considering that perhaps i am just being discerning and there is nothing i can do about it. that little change in perspective may make me feel better, but it certainly misses the point. i know that when i got clean, i thought of myself as anything as naive and did what i could to insure that i would come out on top, especially in my own head. even now, with a minute clean, i still fall into that trap, judging rather than trying to understand and getting all caught up in my head about what i may need to do, to deal with whomever. i hav the desire for others to give me a break and yet i have been in a place where i am unwilling to return that favor. as i sat this morning, what i heard was that i may be far from perfect at being understanding of my fellow travelers, but i have a path to getting better with it. that path is based on how well i implement my active program of recovery in my daily life and listen to what am feeling, rather than thinking and bettering my way through to what i desire.
i know that i can be blunt at times and that in the past i have offered way more unsolicited advice to those around me, because i thought i “got” them. i also know that these days most of my judgements stay inside my head, rather than explosively spewing out of my mouth. that certainly an improvement and more than a baby step towards being understanding of those around me. my goal today, is to open my mind to what is going on and seek to understand, rather than judge and “offer” solutions. being present for the world around me and looking for that place within to seek something more than a quick and cynical judgement is a task i can set for myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞