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with the world around me, or am i selfishly manipulating people, places and events to foster the outcomes i desire? an interesting question and one i often ask myself, now that i have moved away from the deist view of a spiritual path. not a bad substitute for the will of GOD, at least in my mind, but many may disagree. what i have uncovered in myself, is that no matter how “good,” spiritually enlightened or evolved i want to appear in the eyes of my peers, being true to my spiritual path is the only way i can even start to be what i want to appear already being. the fact is, finding the language to describe how i see things to my peers, is harder than just living what i know is the correct path for me. this little exercise is a case in point.
so i have been at this on a fairly regular basis for nearly twelve years. what started as a lark and a programming exercise has turned into a place for me to “journal” and chronicle my recovery journey. my intent, way back when, was to build an audience of thousands, who hung on my every word and interacted with me. what i got, was a dedicated band of dozens, who have followed me through my ups and downs. i get calls from out the blue, asking if there are any reservations i need to talk about, or providing me the many reasons to stay. i could have stopped writing this long ago, as it served its purpose, but over time, this exercise got re-purposed as a place where i could say what i wanted to say, without the consequences of of calling someone or something out, in the rooms of recovery. this is my safety valve, that allows this addict to foster an atmosphere of recovery, within the rooms and in civil discourse, because in this little niche i can say what i want to say. it is true, that over time, i have tempered my rantings to protect the anonymity of my peers, and it is also true, that this has not always been the case. yes, even intellectual brats and bullies can grow into something a bit more. i can safely say, that this little exercise on a daily basis is certainly my will, and maybe it is GOD's will as well. i may be vain and conceited but i am not willing to claim today that the screed i write here has some divine or spiritual purpose. it is however a great way to marry together my 10TH and 11Th steps into a barometer of how i am doing, in the here and now.
the question that now bares answering is how am i doing today? for quite some time, i have felt a bit out of sorts. blaming that feeling on a ballooning reservation and a growing desire to be somewhere else in my life, was easy and probably quite accurate. over the past few days, i have returned to some balance and as i sat in my service commitment yesterday afternoon, i grew a pair and said, “sorry no, two is my limit at this time.” what i also heard last night was that i have been more than guilty of seeing the men i sponsor as projects, rather than human beings, especially those who are incarcerated. i have been guilty of investing far more into their recovery, than they are willing to invest themselves, and as a result, i end up resentful and burnt-out. as i see that line more clearly, i realize that i am not a victim in this mess, i am actually the perpetrator, because it comes down to ego. i wear their success and failures as evidence of my own program and quite often i am walking down the street in the emperor's new suit, exposed in all my glory. where i am going today, is to give back their stuff, inform them of the depth of my commitment and be certain that i give what i can, as a match to their effort, and allow them the freedom to succeed or fail without seeing that as a reflection on me. tough work, but certainly a much better project than many of the ones i am now involved in. it is a good day to be clean and a better day than i have had in the past few weeks. i may succeed or fail in my endeavors today, heck i may end-up having to own a wrong or three, but just for today i will do what i can to live this program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞