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will not be handed to anyone, myself included, on a silver platter, i have to take responsibility for doing the work. today, i have finally decided that i may be powerless over the unwinding of the transaction that is causing me all sorts of angst, BUT i can start collecting evidence for the eventual legal storm that will probably ensue. even though there is a certain emotional balance within, as i consider this sh!tshow and i cannot wait to unleash on the internet what i think about all of this, specifically, naming names and letting the world know how this whole thing went south, just for today,m i can keep asking the question and dunning my “agent” until he takes my direction. he even said, that if he followed my direction, they would no longer be representing me and went into his victim spiel. what i guess he does not realize is that i no longer desire their representation and he is hardly the victim here. September 27th is the day i get to unleash my ire and wrath and i have quite a bit saved up. for now, i will keep up the e-mail assault until i get them to stop their tap-dancing and actually do something i desire.
ah, a bit of crap unloading is sometimes good for this soul, the fact is i can recognize being a martyr and wearing the skin of a victim, because that was a game i played for quite some time. do not misread that, there certainly are genuine victim in the world, whose misery is at the hands of someone else. heck, i may have even been a victim a time or two in my life, but certainly not nearly as much as i once believed and certainly not to the extent i can nostalgically recall. for me, blaming anyone or anything else for the woes i brought upon myself was something i was good at, so why would i not carry that behavior along with me into recovery?
the first eighteen months of my clean time was a constant exercise in blaming the world for having to be in the rooms and that did not cease once i became a member. ever so slowly, as i grew, i came to see that most of the problems in my life, including my latest one, were the direct result of my own actions. in this most recent case, i allowed myself to be led down a primrose path even after it became apparent that the outcome i desired, was not going to materialize. the threats and the lack of motion on their part, kept me living in FEAR and now that i have a backbone, i am willing to stand up for myself and advocate for a new direction. here i go again…
i can stay tangled in what i cannot control, as i have found out in my recovery or i can let go and allow events to move as they will be, either way, the fault for unpleasant consequences falls upon someone else. the middle ground, the place i am seeking to find, is to do the footwork and let go of the results. that includes my recovery process. yes i have control about how i live my program. yes, i can do or not do, what is put in my path. and yes, as a result i have to accept the pain or the ecstasy of the consequences. today i CHOOSE to accept responsibility for me life and move forward into the “real” world, just for today.

∞ DT ∞