Blog entry for:

i was actually born, as the song goes, with a plastic spoon in my mouth. it is not the least bit ironic that with all the chaos in the country these days, about race and privilege, my FOURTH STEP is evolving into a treatise of the lies i internalized when i was growing up, that came from society, culture and mass-media, about the AMERICAN DREAM and how i was entitled to live better off than my parents. my list of resentments, includes all of that, but mostly myself for being blind to the fact that my privilege came on the backs of others. the head start i was given, was an advantage from the beginning and my race and gender, removed many of the hurdles from my path. today, i am starting to come to terms with that and starting to move on.
spending twenty-five years in an abject state of blame-shifting and avoiding responsibility, did very little to awaken me to what was really going on in my life. the fact that it took two plus decades to start to look at my “core” beliefs and values, is not that far off the mark, after all, it took me quite some time to perfect, total absolution from taking and responsibility for my life. i own the fact that i created an unrealistic expectation for my partner and her feelings were certainly to be expected when the grim truth of reality, dawned upon me. we have come together with a plan that in six months, will give her the same benefit i received, financially and my responsibility will be to be much more frugal and pay down my gift, one month at a time.
i have to admit, that one of the fantasies i have, is pulling those wining seven numbers in the legalized “numbers” run by my state government and walk away with enough cash to live comfortably the rest of my life. so i buy some chances, probably more often than i ought to, but never more than i can absolutely afford. it is no big deal to replace Starbucks with a POWERBALL ticket. my recovery, however, is not rooted in a fantasy about an easier, softer life. sure, i have been doing this recovery gig, for a minute or so. that does not mean that it gets any deeper, it just gets different. learning to be responsible for myself is not something i had a great desire to achieve, when i was using, nor when i walked in the doors of the rooms. this morning, before i head out to a wedding, i NEED to get some miles in, i NEED to post this little ditty and i certainly NEED to show a bit of gratitude to the program that has given me yet another day clean. it is quite a good day to be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞