Blog entry for:

myself as a work in progress. says all that i need to say about self-acceptance and its place in my program of active recovery. of course, i have a bit more to say about this topic, as it pertains living life in this modern world. lately, i have been on a program of de-cluttering my life, by going through my possessions and getting rid of those i do not or will never use again. bit by bit, item by item, the stuff i have accumulated and moved more than once is being set to go along its merry way. the impetus for this activity is far from clear and i have stopped wondering what set it in motion. the act, in and of itself, might be seen as a metaphor for the phase of recovery i find myself in, these days, specifically the stripping away and discarding of that stuff that does not further my journey into becoming the person i have always wanted to be. i know that this is a process and i have spent a lifetime accumulating the various traits, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs, that protected me from the world around me, or at least what i thought protected me. the reality is, the wall that was so carefully crafted lead brick by lead brick, it taking far longer to be dismantled than i have patience for and the reading this morning, reminds me that just as Rome was not built in a day, my deconstruction and restoration will not be complete any time soon, if ever. the best i can hope for, is daily progress.
moving into the here and now, my Mom gave me a call last evening, as i was dumping some of my “cherished treasures” into her garbage bin, asking me to “come by and see her, as she went for a walk yesterday.” it is a good thing the voice mail did not come in, until after midnight, as i might have gone off on her, had i actually answered the phone. now in the cold morning light, i see that my emotional reaction was harsh and if carried to the extreme, would have caused damage. as it is now, i can basically ignore her message for a minute and call her back today to set the terms and conditions for my return to her house. there are boundaries that need to be set and unlike my brother and my niece, i am not dependent on her assets to assure my survival. the break i have had from my daily interactions have allowed me to heal a bit from my three years of nearly daily interactions with her and the dismay i feel as she sinks into being permanently bed-ridden.
as i approach the end of this exercise, i can see that i am no longer willing to co-sign anyone's bullshit. that includes my Mom and her being a “victim” to the ravages of old age. my niece and her insistence that she too is a victim to employers who do not “get”her and her outstanding skill set. nor to my sponsee who is seeking a diagnosis so he can feel better about himself, instead of owning that his unsavory behavior is him. i no longer believe i am an victim, unless i volunteer for it and just for today, i am well enough to keep that at bay and move along into this day, living as the person i am in the process of becoming.

∞ DT ∞