Blog entry for:

i was a newcomer myself and i need to remember that what attracted me the most was the fact that i could not get kicked out, regardless of how badly i behaved. there was probably a whole lot more sharing going on, but that is what i fondly recall, when i walk down memory lane. i was full of anger, angst and acted aggressively, because living without the cushion of getting high was a challenge for me. on top of all of that, i had an overwhelming desire to be somewhere else and the rooms of recovery were not going to do it for me. sure, i could grit my teeth and white-knuckle it out, until my sentence had been completed, but i was not ever going to be a lifetime member.
when i walk into the rooms today and i see the parade of newcomers, my first thought is not that i NEED to get a newcomer into my life as someone to sponsor. it is not that i NEED to hang with the new guys to remember what it was like for me. i leave that to my peers, i look for the ones that happen to be standing back and avoiding the parade of members that are apt to swarm. coming to the rooms of recovery, for the first time or after a relapse, is overwhelming enough, having to deal with being twelve-stomped, would have driven me right out. i know these newcomers are the exception and not the rule, just as i was the exception way back when, after all, someone such as myself who only came to get out of jail free, very rarely lasts for any length of time. most of the reason i did not go hang with my using buddies in early recovery, is that i was pretty sure that the cops were watching me and i did not want to drag them into my mess or at least that is what i told myself, time and again. honestly, i was not even on their radar, the cops that is, once i got busted and sentenced to recovery, they moved on to bigger and better fish, but that was part of the story i told myself way back when.
when i share, i have stopped considering what the newcomer may or may not want to hear. i share about my life in recovery. i share about my struggles to get clean and the twisted and distorted world-view i had, when i came to recovery. i share about how regardless of how bad the odds were stacked against me, i GOT to stay clean and i GET to make the decision, each and every day. i have a life that is worth living and the anger and angst has been for the most part, mostly removed. today, however, as i wait for the news of whether or not i have a new opportunity, my desire to smoke is driving me to distraction. in fact, in my last lap, i wanted to make a deal with GOD. that deal? that i would buy a pack of smokes and if i got the new job i would throw what was left in the pack away, all the while smoking my lungs out all day. pretty silly notion and one that after writing it down, seems to be something that is not what i really want in my life today. i think i will put myself on the five minute plan, let go of the distraction of waiting and see what some patience will bring to my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞