Blog entry for:

of hope, despite the pain of what life is throwing at me today, is certainly part of the reason i CHOOSE to live an active program of recovery. at the request of one of my peers, i stepped out of a routine yesterday afternoon. not that far out of my routine, the activity was the same, just the location and who was with was changed. oops, there was going to be a major dig here, and i decided against it. i can say that it was an enjoyable experience and that experience reinforced some notions that were already rolling around in my head about routine and change. what i do know this morning is that maybe the who, what and when that comprise my current life may not be the best of all possible worlds for me and that i may need to become more open minded to shaking things up, after all a little change in routine, probably will not kill me! the first of the disparate thought trains that were presented to me this morning has been dealt with, so i can move along.
coming back to the notion of HOPE for me, is something that often sticks in my craw. although i have hopes and dreams, most of the time, i just want to leave them be and walk away. the HOPE that i can stay clean today, has been replaced by the FAITH that if i allow myself to listen for guidance and look for opportunities from the POWER that fuels my recovery, nothing is insurmountable or f*cked. that FAITH also includes the notion that if i CHOOSE to live a program of active recovery, just for today, i WILL stay clean another day. there is no “mysterious ways” or “magic thinking” involved, this way of living is its own reward and is a tightly closed feedback loop, that i was blind to, way back when. ah, but the reading was all about the HOPE that IF i allow a HIGHER POWER to care for my will and my life, that no matter what happens, i can survive with my recovery intact. for me, HOPE is far to weak of a concept about how i feel. i have FAITH that i can survive, even if the POWER that fuels my recovery lacks any definition or human attributes, that POWER simply is and i can feel ITS power in my life every single day. the proof is that i am a clean addict who wants more in his life than another get high. to steal a phrase that i really hate, “addicts of my description” do not get clean and stay clean, they die or waste away behind bars. which brings me to the final notion i “heard.”
today, the source of my discontent is the pile of unmet expectations i have developed because i have decades clean. i expect to be smarter. i expect to be bigger than feeling envy or jealousy about not allowing myself to “act out.” i expect to walk through life, letting the assholes do what they will, without being angry or all butt-hurt about heir actions and the minimal inconvenience they cause me. i expect to be able to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my ENTIRE will and LIFE. those expectations have not been met and the resentment i am building against myself is based on how f*cking human i am. hmm, maybe i have already completed STEP THREE after all, if i am starting to get a sense of resentments. maybe it is time to get down on paper what i feel today, instead of waiting for the clouds to part, and the angelic choirs to sing. certainly a bit of stuff to chew on as the dawg and i walk through the neighborhood in a few minutes. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to allow myself the opportunity to be human.

∞ DT ∞