โต i believe that the POWER that fuels my recovery will take care of me โต
Posted: Sun, May 29, 2011 09:33:53 AM
translating that belief into FAITH and allowing that POWER to care for my will and my life is of course, the tricky part.
so yesterday, i have no idea why i went where i did, when i was writing, however, i make no apologies for that little bit of creative recovery writing. this morning, while the topic is much more esoteric and lofty, i feel grounded to my keyboard and the world around me, which these days, leaves much to my liking, as it were. there are times, in fact there are times every day, when my FAITH wavers and i begin to doubt that this POWER will be able to take care of my life, so i take back my will and bull my way through one situation and event after another. all of a sudden, this is turning into a STEP THREE writing exercise, when clearly what i thought i heard was a STEP TWO reading. i could find that being weird, however, these days, it seems more than pertinent, as that is the step i am working on currently. so let me see. if i can step back from being scattered and get some focus back, as fighting the transition from what i though t i read to writing about what i am feeling is a bit jarring.
okay back again. so what i am feeling and hearing right now is allowing my FAITH to guide me. belief is one thing, and as resistant as i am, and can still be to things that are beyond my ken, which is most of the spiritual experience, i have come to believe that there is a POWER that can lead me into sanity. upon that belief structure, as simple as it sounds, rests my recovery structure. i need not worry, but i still do. i need not fret, but i still. nor do i need to force things to come out the way that i think is best for me, and yet i still do. based on that one might conclude that i am a creature of self-will for whom the THIRD STEP is just so much words, smoke and mirrors if you will, behind which i can hide the reality of my behaviors. that would be quite true, if i said that i worked this whole gig without a single error. the truth is, that i am human and i am an addict, who is still learning this recovery gig. with that cop-out rationalization, i could just stop and say ta-ta, and i might have done so in the past. yes i still behave that way, yes it is who i am, BUT that does not mean i have to accept that behavior as defining who i am, nor does that mean that i need abandon the spiritual journey i am on, because i am so far from practicing it ion a perfect manner. the fact that this justification jumps so readily to my mind, when needed, is a symptom that i NEED to keep on the path i am have been put upon and work on putting my FAITH into practice, regardless of what emotional judgement i attach to the events in my life. regardless of whether or not i think i am getting any better. regardless of the lies i tell myself about how much easier things would be if only…
truthfully, as tough, rocky, steep and narrow as it appears, letting the POWER that fuels my recovery, care for my will and my life IS the easier, softer way. where i end up after all, is right where i am supposed to be, grateful for another day on this side of the dirt and for the opportunity to live it without the need to use drugs or act out in my self-destructive manifestations of addictive behavior, ready to take my first step into the real world, walking in the FAITH that no matter what happens today, the POWER that fuels my recovery will care for my will and my life, if i allow IT to do so.
so yesterday, i have no idea why i went where i did, when i was writing, however, i make no apologies for that little bit of creative recovery writing. this morning, while the topic is much more esoteric and lofty, i feel grounded to my keyboard and the world around me, which these days, leaves much to my liking, as it were. there are times, in fact there are times every day, when my FAITH wavers and i begin to doubt that this POWER will be able to take care of my life, so i take back my will and bull my way through one situation and event after another. all of a sudden, this is turning into a STEP THREE writing exercise, when clearly what i thought i heard was a STEP TWO reading. i could find that being weird, however, these days, it seems more than pertinent, as that is the step i am working on currently. so let me see. if i can step back from being scattered and get some focus back, as fighting the transition from what i though t i read to writing about what i am feeling is a bit jarring.
okay back again. so what i am feeling and hearing right now is allowing my FAITH to guide me. belief is one thing, and as resistant as i am, and can still be to things that are beyond my ken, which is most of the spiritual experience, i have come to believe that there is a POWER that can lead me into sanity. upon that belief structure, as simple as it sounds, rests my recovery structure. i need not worry, but i still do. i need not fret, but i still. nor do i need to force things to come out the way that i think is best for me, and yet i still do. based on that one might conclude that i am a creature of self-will for whom the THIRD STEP is just so much words, smoke and mirrors if you will, behind which i can hide the reality of my behaviors. that would be quite true, if i said that i worked this whole gig without a single error. the truth is, that i am human and i am an addict, who is still learning this recovery gig. with that cop-out rationalization, i could just stop and say ta-ta, and i might have done so in the past. yes i still behave that way, yes it is who i am, BUT that does not mean i have to accept that behavior as defining who i am, nor does that mean that i need abandon the spiritual journey i am on, because i am so far from practicing it ion a perfect manner. the fact that this justification jumps so readily to my mind, when needed, is a symptom that i NEED to keep on the path i am have been put upon and work on putting my FAITH into practice, regardless of what emotional judgement i attach to the events in my life. regardless of whether or not i think i am getting any better. regardless of the lies i tell myself about how much easier things would be if only…
truthfully, as tough, rocky, steep and narrow as it appears, letting the POWER that fuels my recovery, care for my will and my life IS the easier, softer way. where i end up after all, is right where i am supposed to be, grateful for another day on this side of the dirt and for the opportunity to live it without the need to use drugs or act out in my self-destructive manifestations of addictive behavior, ready to take my first step into the real world, walking in the FAITH that no matter what happens today, the POWER that fuels my recovery will care for my will and my life, if i allow IT to do so.
∞ DT ∞