โ sometimes i may feel broken but i go on, knowing that my life will be repaired โ
Posted: Sat, May 29, 2010 07:09:49 AM
as i have progressed in my recovery and my faith in a Higher Power has grown, and i have been able to greet difficult times with a sense of hope, despite the pain.
well this morning i could not sleep as i was thinking about my road trip out to the Eastern Plains, of course once i checked the website, i found out that they had changed the visiting hours and i have an extra hour to do what i thought i had to rush through before heading out. so instead of popping out a quickie here, i actually have some time to sit down and think about how i have made it through the dark times i have experienced since coming to recovery. i know that when i was using, i had the sure fire way to deal with the hard times, just use and i could forget about for a while. i also that in early recovery, it was the members that were already here that helped me deal with the tragedy that my life was, when i finally came to. those members are still here, and are still willing to lend me the support that i need when those times strike. as i have grown, i have come to understand, that is a gift from a POWER that keeps me clean. i have come to a FAITH in that no matter what, i can get through stuff, dark or not so dark, clean, if i put my reliance in that same POWER. so before i sound like a choir boy, i will move into what is really going on, or at least now that is out of the way, i can go a level deeper.
this whole FAITH gig, still feels uncomfortable to me, most of the time. even though, the preponderance of the evidence is that i get what i NEED, there is still a part of me, that wants to deny that a POWER is working in my life. i have yet to figure out why i was chosen to come to recovery and why i seem to get what i NEED precisely when i NEED it, but as i write this, those question fade into irrelevancy. is my FAITH the result of superstitious spin, or is something really working in my life to keep me here? i mean really, to have FAITH, just by definition is to come to believe without direct evidence, and that is where i stumble. my FAITH is built on the shaky foundation of evaluation of the events in my life, and when i really consider things as they are, random chance could explain everything. Occum&39;s razor suggests that the correct answer to any question is the least complicated one, and random chance is far less complicated than a HIGHER POWER, it is the cause and effect part of the question of FAITH where the heavy duty thinking starts in my head. rational explanations are possible but when i chain all the events together that have got me to this very moment, that same razor seems to cut random chance out of the equation and the answer i am left with is there is a POWER working in my life, after all, i did not die from an overdose, although i went to that edge quite often, i did not die in a car accident when i was in car high beyond the capability to drive. and nothing, no matter how tragic, has led me to believe that i HAD to get high to deal with it. it gets worse and worse, as i consider more deeply, so instead of spinning around in my head, i have come to a place of at least c0onditional FAITH, that something beyond my understanding is working in my life, and this morning i can live with that conclusion.
so as i move into FAITH and into the shower, i can be okay heading east to see my sponsee. i can move with confidence that as long as i listen to what is going on around and stay present, that things will work out as they are supposed to work out. most importantly, if i have just a modicum of FAITH i will be alright, just for today.
well this morning i could not sleep as i was thinking about my road trip out to the Eastern Plains, of course once i checked the website, i found out that they had changed the visiting hours and i have an extra hour to do what i thought i had to rush through before heading out. so instead of popping out a quickie here, i actually have some time to sit down and think about how i have made it through the dark times i have experienced since coming to recovery. i know that when i was using, i had the sure fire way to deal with the hard times, just use and i could forget about for a while. i also that in early recovery, it was the members that were already here that helped me deal with the tragedy that my life was, when i finally came to. those members are still here, and are still willing to lend me the support that i need when those times strike. as i have grown, i have come to understand, that is a gift from a POWER that keeps me clean. i have come to a FAITH in that no matter what, i can get through stuff, dark or not so dark, clean, if i put my reliance in that same POWER. so before i sound like a choir boy, i will move into what is really going on, or at least now that is out of the way, i can go a level deeper.
this whole FAITH gig, still feels uncomfortable to me, most of the time. even though, the preponderance of the evidence is that i get what i NEED, there is still a part of me, that wants to deny that a POWER is working in my life. i have yet to figure out why i was chosen to come to recovery and why i seem to get what i NEED precisely when i NEED it, but as i write this, those question fade into irrelevancy. is my FAITH the result of superstitious spin, or is something really working in my life to keep me here? i mean really, to have FAITH, just by definition is to come to believe without direct evidence, and that is where i stumble. my FAITH is built on the shaky foundation of evaluation of the events in my life, and when i really consider things as they are, random chance could explain everything. Occum&39;s razor suggests that the correct answer to any question is the least complicated one, and random chance is far less complicated than a HIGHER POWER, it is the cause and effect part of the question of FAITH where the heavy duty thinking starts in my head. rational explanations are possible but when i chain all the events together that have got me to this very moment, that same razor seems to cut random chance out of the equation and the answer i am left with is there is a POWER working in my life, after all, i did not die from an overdose, although i went to that edge quite often, i did not die in a car accident when i was in car high beyond the capability to drive. and nothing, no matter how tragic, has led me to believe that i HAD to get high to deal with it. it gets worse and worse, as i consider more deeply, so instead of spinning around in my head, i have come to a place of at least c0onditional FAITH, that something beyond my understanding is working in my life, and this morning i can live with that conclusion.
so as i move into FAITH and into the shower, i can be okay heading east to see my sponsee. i can move with confidence that as long as i listen to what is going on around and stay present, that things will work out as they are supposed to work out. most importantly, if i have just a modicum of FAITH i will be alright, just for today.
∞ DT ∞