๐ emotionally shuttered ๐
Posted: Mon, Jun 17, 2019 09:35:04 AM
not shattered would be a better way to describe me, when i came to recovery. i was shut down and more than happy to have a nice safe fortress of solitude behind the walls i built. my working theory at that time, was if no one could get in, i would not get hurt. since i was only going to be a tourist in recovery, passing through and hiding out until my legal problems were resolved, i did not see any point in opening up, any more than i needed to, to “look” like i was actually doing this recovery gig. that was how i lived those first eighteen months, in the twilight between recovery and addiction and maybe that is why, once i drank the Kool-Ade, i never looked back.
the one thing i am grateful for, in that time between, is that was when the desire to use was lifted from me. i did learn how to grieve, as i lost both of my grandmothers in that first year clean. i actually felt those feelings and allowed a few others to actually come inside those walls, but only for the briefest of times and only until i thought i was done “being sad.” once i realized that i was not going to go any further in my recovery, unless i started to “grow a pair” and let others into my life, physically as well as emotionally, the walls started tumbling down. one might call that my Jericho moment.
today, i am happy to say, that fortress of solitude has been empty for a bit of time, and i might like to say it has been destroyed, but the fact is that it still remains as some sort of sick “plan B.” there is a part of me, that still holds the FEAR that if i let others in, i will be destroyed, even though the worst that has happened, since i made a conscious choice to allow others into my life, is a few hurt feelings, a resentment or three and the end of a friendship or two. i still may not be the openest person in the room. i may still hide behind a wall of arrogance and conceit, from time to time. all of that is true, however when i take a peek at my activities at the end of my day, i am more than certain to find that just for this day, i was open with those closest to me and allowed them to see who i am today.
the one thing i am grateful for, in that time between, is that was when the desire to use was lifted from me. i did learn how to grieve, as i lost both of my grandmothers in that first year clean. i actually felt those feelings and allowed a few others to actually come inside those walls, but only for the briefest of times and only until i thought i was done “being sad.” once i realized that i was not going to go any further in my recovery, unless i started to “grow a pair” and let others into my life, physically as well as emotionally, the walls started tumbling down. one might call that my Jericho moment.
today, i am happy to say, that fortress of solitude has been empty for a bit of time, and i might like to say it has been destroyed, but the fact is that it still remains as some sort of sick “plan B.” there is a part of me, that still holds the FEAR that if i let others in, i will be destroyed, even though the worst that has happened, since i made a conscious choice to allow others into my life, is a few hurt feelings, a resentment or three and the end of a friendship or two. i still may not be the openest person in the room. i may still hide behind a wall of arrogance and conceit, from time to time. all of that is true, however when i take a peek at my activities at the end of my day, i am more than certain to find that just for this day, i was open with those closest to me and allowed them to see who i am today.
∞ DT ∞