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and be loved is generally not something i think about on any regular basis. a HUGE part of the lie i lived by was that i was unlovable in my current form. which leads to a set of behaviors that required a shit ton of work. if i wanted to be loved, i would have to act as if i was a loving person and transform myself, at least superficially, as someone who was deserving of love. the nice part about living a program of recovery, is over time, that “need” had melted away, even though the force behind it was still fully active and powerful. this led to all sorts of cognitive dissonance and quite honestly i was more than a bit emotionally confused, until my FOURTH and FIFTH STEP last year. it is just short of miraculous that i have survived to this point and founds the ways and means to be a mostly equal partner in a loving relationship.
what i heard this morning as i sat, was that i am deserving of love and capable of loving, just as i am. i can love someone, even if i do not like them. it is out of love and the fear of losing them that i often withdraw in an attempt to shield myself from the pain that loss may bring. coming to accept that someone i love has less respect for themselves than i deem is appropriate is a path i have been walking down for what feels like forever. as i get a better glimpse into what i feel, i see that my only path is to accept that they really do “know best,” even if it is killing them off, bit by bit. i can punish them by flipping the power dynamic or i can let them go quietly into the deep dark night. for me right now, there seems to be no middle ground.
moving into this morning, it looks as if it is going to be another scorcher of a day. i was considering staying home and working a few hours on the patio, instead of heading into town. now that i have had a chance to see what the weather is forecast to be, the patio may not be such a comfortable place to work at all and it is the local Brick & Mortar, for me. ironically, i have a phone screening for another position that may happen this morning as well, although i have yet to get the calendar invite. what i do know is on tap for today, is work, taking care of my responsibilities and a good long workout, before the heat starts to build. that being said, it is time to suit up and hit the streets.

∞ DT ∞