๐ฎ the risk ๐ฐ
Posted: Thu, Jun 17, 2021 09:55:45 AM
involved in letting others in, was certainly something i was averse to, even after some time clean. these days i am much better at letting others in, but the echoes of those demons of FEAR, still arise from the depths of my soul, screaming at me to run away and hide behind the walls i so carefully constructed in active addiction. the irony here, is that as i am no longer hiding from myself, why do i need to hide from anyone else?
what i “heard” this morning, before i got involved in a very busy day, was that since i am not broken, i no longer need to FEAR being hurt. being hurt is just part of being among the living in the real world. everyone, who risks being intimate, is in the exact same boat, and i am “sick and tired” of basing my relationships on being free from risk. being safe and alone, is not a paradigm that i want to live today. among the risks i need to take today, is to tell a recruiter that our interview is a waste of time. i was wrong to even accept that invitation, as the pay is far too low and the job is almost the same as i have now, which i am far from willing to do, anymore. i have the desire to walk away from supporting anything and desktop support is not anything i wish to do. the good part about having to own my mistake, is i can walk away knowing that my side of the street is clean.
so it is back to salt mines to prod a process along that means i will have another late night of work. it may be a good day to be clean, and it is a good day to be getting a paycheck, but sometimes …
what i “heard” this morning, before i got involved in a very busy day, was that since i am not broken, i no longer need to FEAR being hurt. being hurt is just part of being among the living in the real world. everyone, who risks being intimate, is in the exact same boat, and i am “sick and tired” of basing my relationships on being free from risk. being safe and alone, is not a paradigm that i want to live today. among the risks i need to take today, is to tell a recruiter that our interview is a waste of time. i was wrong to even accept that invitation, as the pay is far too low and the job is almost the same as i have now, which i am far from willing to do, anymore. i have the desire to walk away from supporting anything and desktop support is not anything i wish to do. the good part about having to own my mistake, is i can walk away knowing that my side of the street is clean.
so it is back to salt mines to prod a process along that means i will have another late night of work. it may be a good day to be clean, and it is a good day to be getting a paycheck, but sometimes …
∞ DT ∞