Some memes

we can only keep what we have by giving it away? sounds a bit more than counter-intuitive to me, the only thing i ever wanted to give away was my pain and suffering, and i did. everyone that was in my life during my active addiction got the gift of misery on a near daily basis. if i was miserable, so was everyone else i came with whom i came in contact. i never dreamed that anything else was possible.
so i come to recovery, get a bit of recovery and now i have to give away the gifts i have received as a result. not an easy concept for me to grasp even after some time clean. today what i desire most is to give away my feelings of inadequacy, failure and self-contempt, not exactly the kind of gifts that the reading was speaking to.
what the reading was talking about, at least in my opinion, is the gift of freedom from active addiction and the tools i have acquired as a result of the footwork i have done since starting the path of recovery. things like how to accept myself as i am right now. or how to move forward in my life even though i am riddled with fear and doubt. or how i found a connection to the divine. simple things that i seem to take for granted these days.
recently, i have started to work with a newcomer that is having trouble believing that i was ever a criminal much less a convicted felon. he has no problem with the fact that i used illegal drugs and the crimes associated with the getting and using of that class of substances made me perform criminal acts. all he can see is what i am today, and his problem is accepting that i ever was an uncaring automaton, a slave to my character defects, walking through my life without a care or concern about how who i hurt in the pursuit of whatever happiness i could obtain, however briefly. i am sure as time progresses he will come to trust me and lose his fear of being ‘badder’ than me, as i continue to give him the tools and attitudes that were given to me along my journey through recovery. i understand his reluctance, i shared it. it was beyond my limited comprehension how anyone could stay abstinent for more than thirty days and be happy when i was starting this journey, and hopefully i will be able to provide him with the means to not only imagine what life without active addiction can mean but to thrive along this new path. two gifts that i got long before i realized way back when. so i will persevere and see what happens. after all my job is to be available and give away what i have been given. you know the whole horse and water problem, i will lead him to water and everything else is up to him.

∞ DT ∞