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serene, composed, and self-assured has always been one of my daily goals in recovery. in the earliest days of my recovery, after i finally made the FIRST STEP admission, it was all about **appearing** to be in that state, even when i was not. these days, i GET to appear in that state, more days than not, because of the changes manifest in me by the program of recovery that is my life. among the gifts given to me, because i have learned to live a program of active recovery, is an inner balance that is reflected in how i present to the world around me. that is not to say, that my life is always in balance and that no matter what comes along, i handle it in stride. no i have yet to “achieve” that level of ongoing recovery, i still fret and fume about what i have no control over. i still take on stuff that rightfully belongs to someone else. i still over-commit myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually. the litany of the sins of imbalance in my life, can go on and on, i am sure i have adequately expressed the notion that i am not “cured” nor have i attained a Buddha-like level of serenity and self confidence. i am certainly still a work in process.
as i sat listening this morning, what i “heard” was that when i focus on what is not to my liking in my life, i have a tendency to start the process of “magical thinking,” that if i ignore it, or wish it away, those aspects of my life will simply vanish into thin air and my life will be perfect. i am discovering that just like novel corona virus, pretending it will go away, does absolutely nothing. if i want change in my life, than i need to implement a plan with concrete steps to work towards making those changes reality. i did not achieve a thirty-three inch waistline by wishing my “spare tire” away. nor do i expect to keep that extra baggage off my torso, by ignoring the fact that my body requires physical activity. it is true that i started a fitness program, because i wanted the “free” money i could get by participating in a wellness program at work. the bucks are great, but i look and feel better, physically because what i started for financial gain has brought gifts to my life, that i have come to enjoy and want to continue.
my spiritual and emotional health, require a similar commitment. that is where the program comes in and learning to balance what i NEED to do, to foster my recovery with all that i want to do in my daily life, has been upset by the societal changes brought on by living through a pandemic. only recently after eight weeks of adaptation am i finally coming to terms with what is. the balance that i have been lacking is starting to become a reality and as the world opens up, even the slightest, i can add back those “grains of sand̶ to see what the “new” balance will end up being, just for today.

∞ DT ∞