Some memes

i have found when i learned balance in my recovery are the result of some painful lessons. when i consider service to my fellowship, i often immediately think of service committees. the fact that i left that form of service, years ago, does not mean that i serve my fellowship less, just a bit less visibly. it is interesting that when i think of balancing my scales of recovery, it is service that pops into my mind. service, now that i have moved on from service committees, takes the form of meeting attendance, sponsorship and carrying the message into places where the message very seldom reaches. those efforts bring all sorts of mixed results and if i were to base my willingness to serve on “positive” results, at least in my opinion, service in all forms would have been long gone in my life. yeah, yeah, yeah, once upon a time i would have gone on about how selfless i was and how pure my motives were, the fact of the matter is, i have very mixed motives and often it is out of self-interest, that i show up at meetings, speak to my peers or participate in a sponsor-sponsee relationship. i have moved beyond the notion of getting something for nothing and what i “get” for my efforts to work that service into the balance that is my life, is another day clean and sometimes after years of pissing my worth down a black hole, some gratitude from an unexpected source.
the one thing that has thrown my delicate balance out of whack the most often, is investing more in the recovery of others, than they themselves are willing to invest. this pattern seems to spring from my belief that is my job to make sure an addict “gets” everything he needs or desires, to foster his recovery and it is up to me to be that source. right now, i have a sponsee who is struggling with that issue, as i have spoon-fed him recovery through nine steps and he still did not stay clean, when given the opportunity to step out on his own. i want to rush over and say i was so wrong in scaling back my efforts until he was willing to step up and take action himself, but i know that is about me looking good and not really about me doing good. the balance and serenity i have found, at least in that part of my life, since committing to that course of action is really inestimable. it is not the first time i had to allow an addict to find his own way back to a sponsorship relationship. it is, however, the first time i was willing to rebuild that relationship, instead of saying i had nothing more to give. i actually saw what i was giving and before being drained empty, did something different.
this morning as i wait for the critter control guys to come and evict the squirrels from my attic once again, i am certain that i am doing the next right thing, with my home, with my recovery and with my service to my fellowship and peers. i may not see where this day will end up, but i am willing to be present for the journey and hopefully give away, a bit of what has been given to me.

∞ DT ∞