Blog entry for:

balance in my life and my recovery. part of finding balance is looking to my actions in service and interactions in the fellowship. i am often amazed by the fact when one member starts a meeting they are chided and derided as being living in self-will and their motives are suspect, and yet another member can start a meeting because they too have a resentment and be praised as giving the fellowship even more choices. i can say that myself, i see little difference, in fact covering oneʼns tracks by speaking to a couple of other addicts, is hardly considering the implications of founding a resentment meeting. i could go on, but it is not worth my time and energy and i have given up enough personal power to this issue over the past few days. i can recognize self-will and hidden motives when i see them, as i am quite good at falling into that same trap myself.
moving on, it is not the balance of activities in my life that i heard this morning, it is the balancing the effects of DESIRE on the rest of my life do not get me wrong, i understand DESIRE is the root of all evil within me and it is also the root of my ambition and my recovery journey, balancing the effects of fulfilling my desire, is the high-wire act i am living today. i want to be seen as “better” than i was and much like the man behind the curtain, bigger and certainly more powerful than i really am. that “bigger and more powerful” piece refers to how i want others in the fellowship to see me, in a spiritual and recovery sense. i never want anyone to question my motives and i try and frame discussions around the topics i choose, diverting others from questioning what lies behind my decision-making process. as i saw the other evening, sometime raw emotional responses do not need to be examined, ripped apart or even defended. in the long run, i know what it was that bothers me and i am powerless over doing anything about it. i can accept my emotions, be grateful for understanding why i feel that way and move along down the road and let it be. anything else, would be diving into the pool of self-will once again and i am already world infamous as a master of self-will run riot. as much as i may wish to hide that under a dense fog of spiritual camouflage, the fact of the matter is that self-will is the part of DESIRE that forces me out of balance once again. the balance i seek to achieve today, need not come at the expense of others and seeking to understand what my “agenda” may be, is a good place to start.

∞ DT ∞