Some memes

the first time someone said that to me, way back when, i did not understand what they were talking about and never, ever could see myself finding any sort of home in a recovery community. i was going to be one and done sort of guys, as soon as i killed m,y number i was going to be gone. i was also going to be a whole lot more discrete about using, keeping things on the way down-low. as my misery in mere abstinence increased to the place i could no longer ignore it, my patience was more than tired and quite honestly, had i bought that sack in New Jersey one night earlier, i certainly would have used. many of my peers would attribute that to a HIGHER POWER watching out for me and possibly even testing my resolve. i just see it as fortunate timing and there is a sense of gratitude that things worked out the way they did. no magic or miracles required. there was a time in my recovery where i would have felt differently about how the starts aligned on my journey east, these days, well not so much.
the topic this morning was all about how gratitude can transform the addict in recovery. this notion that i have somehow become a whole new person as a result of the recovery process is one i am finding less and less satisfactory. i certainly am not the dickhead, self-centered asshole who came to the rooms with a chip on his shoulder and rage ion his heart at having to go to ̶those classes.” i am also not some sort of recovery guru or saint. i still say things such as suggesting to my spouse that she might want to call her sponsor. it was a suggestion because i could no longer give her what she needed and she needed someone from outside of the situation. i pushed a boundary we set a long time ago and i have no regrets. it will, however, be a very long minute before i do so again.
when i catch myself welcoming someone to the fellowship, these days, i remember that resistance, distrust and unwillingness that filled my heart the first time i was welcomed. i know that they need space as much as they may want comfort and have learned to read the room, over the course of days that are my recovery journey. i certainly have changed from the man who stood at the doors and sneered, which i guess is certainly a transformation and certainly one i am grateful for today.

∞ DT ∞