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up-and-down of my early recovery days, are long gone, most of the time. in recent days, however, i am once again returning to bouts of the emotional thrill ride, that peppered those tumultuous days of being clean, but not ready to be in recovery. it is not because i have stopped doing what works, but i have certainly allowing myself to fall into a state of sleep deprivation and this week i have one more late night, on tap. perhaps, i will be able to get done early tonight, or nap while the “paint” dries, or maybe i will just stream a show or two as i listen to the silence of the team that is doing the work. either way, a restful night's sleep is not in the cards for me.
back after my work-out and what i was feeling may have been softened a bit. originally, i was going to whine about how i lacking balance in my life today and “failing” at following my spiritual path. instead, i decided to do my physical fitness routine, because i knew i had 90 minutes of a boring “all-hands” meeting for work and would have plenty of time to pound this little ditty out. multi-tasking through this meeting, is allowing me the bandwidth to be present for this and you know what, i feel a whole lot more balanced, emotionally anyhow, in this moment.
there was a time when i thought getting off the roller-coaster was going to be the best thing for me. of course, as the cliché goes, the grass was not all that much greener. in fact, as i became more balanced emotionally anyhow, i found myself feeling bored, kind of missing those wild swings. my reaction was to “stir the pot” and create some chaos. those behaviors led to me becoming the “defender of the FAITH” and Torquemada had nothing on me. it may have been “fun” to be so emotionally reactive and pound the “heretics” into dust, but it was also exhausting and in the long run did little to bring me out of my shell. in fact, i took that role on as part of my identity in the fellowship and when it stopped working for me, i was at my “wit's ends.” finding a path to emotional balance, meant giving up my ideas about what my spiritual path needed to be and what i needed to look like. letting go of those notions and allowing my peers to find their way to fellowship and recovery path, that serves me so well, was part of that process.
right here and right now, i am well-rested and feel balanced, physically, emotionally and more importantly spiritually. i know that is a result of living a program of recovery, especially committing to a spiritual path that relies on meditation, rather than prayer. i am not saying that the program is wrong or that prayer is not something that my peers should rely on. i am saying for this addict, prayer is secondary to “listening” to the “void” within. i am okay today and ready to commit to work, so it is time to say Ta-Ta For Now and post these bits and bytes to the internet.

∞ DT ∞