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not react, to whatever feelings that surface, is certainly a definition of emotional balance i can live with today. i know many people get lost when i do not say i judge my day or my feelings as good or bad. i do on the other hand judge reacting vs responding to the events of my day, on a sliding scale. some events and feelings, truly need to be reacted to, while most simply require a response. living in the here and now, allows me to often change or temper a reaction, when i need to do so and respond appropriately. these days, it is often those closest to me, who have very few clues about who i have become, that cause me to pause and allow myself the freedom to respond, rather than react. their assumptions about me, fuel all sorts of entitlements and disrespect, because of patterns of a lifetime that no longer apply.
most of the time, my reactions to feelings stem from not getting what i think i need, when in reality it is something i DESIRE. i DESIRE for others to see me as the person i am becoming, rather than the person i once was. when i feel those ancient buttons being pushed or parts of my life being laughed off as irrelevant or dismissed as “necessary,” i feel anger. my reaction to anger is to strike out and hit back hard, and with extreme prejudice. my response is to stop and wait for the “heat” to pass, so i can respond in a properly assertive manner, even if that pause takes a day or so to get me to that point.
navigating my way through the garbage that i have brought with me and tossing what never really worked, is not unlike the process i am going through with my belongings. there may not be any Goodwill store for feelings, reactions, judgements and resentments, but there is a recovery process, to which i can avail, myself. i cannot change how others see me or the preconceived notions about what they are entitled to, no matter how much i desire to do so. i cannot affect change in how they treat themselves and how they choose to live their lives. i can and will, allow myself the freedom to state my opinions and leave the results of my input, up to them with no expectation of anything changing. there is a payoff for what they do and although i may not see it, they certainly do. just for today, i will do what i can to care for myself and those in my life and allow then to live as they choose to do, even if it pisses me off.

∞ DT ∞