Blog entry for:

responsible for my recovery, even though, at times i just want to cruise through my recovery, living by default. i do get envious and jealous of my peers, who seem to live in total disregard for taking any responsibility for their lives, in any regard, until i remember that was me. i can say from this side of the fence that living as a victim to the whims and circumstances of life on its own terms, is not really freedom of any sort, no matter how nostalgically i remember those times. in fact, they were some of the worst times in my life, especially once i i put the substances down and started living clean. today, i can honestly say it sucks to be a victim and to rail against the events that seem to be evidence that the “deck is stacked against me.” i know that for certain, the only thing stacked against me and my happiness is myself, as i often think that if i start to enjoy living the life responsible recovery has given me, it all may be swept away in a heartbeat as part of some cosmic bet or joke. as i became a bit more certain i am worthy of the rewards of my hard work, those thoughts and beliefs became less relevant and much quieter. diminished but far from absent in my pantheon of beliefs. dealing with addicts in active addiction or mere abstinence fans the embers of those doubts and could, if i do not take action, take me back to full-blown victimhood, which for me is my first step out of the recovery process.
as i shared this morning, using the third disturbing realization as my template, i realized that not being responsible for my addiction, seemed as if it was the perfect loophole to take me out and keep me out. after all, i could always fall back on the notion that if i am not responsible, WTF did one expect when i used, acted out or behaved in a less than stellar manner, i am after all, just an addict. what i finally saw, way back when, is that i did not “have to be” just another addict, i could be an addict in recovery and learn to live in a manner that was once upon a time, foreign to me. days upon days later, i look back at those time and see that i had reached a turning point and made a decision that has led me to where i am today: clean, content and with far more responsibility than i ever thought i could handle.
do not get me wrong, i am still an addict and still see the world through the filter of addiction. self-righteous indignation is still just as delicious to me today, as it was when i got clean. justified anger is still as easy to fall into as always, what makes the difference today, is the aftermath. when i look at my day and uncover either one of those “events” or the plethora of other garbage i am still dragging along, i see that they are certainly the same as taking poison and expecting someone or something else to suffer the consequences. i am the one who carries the damage and i am the only one that can “fix” by surrendering it to the POWER that fuels my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞