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without diving through some loophole, is an activity i have to consciously practice every single day. i am among a select group of people who really can not tell a very good lie, as i discovered time and again when i was using and when i was struggling to get clean. do not get me wrong, i got away with whoppers in my day, but in all honesty, those “successes” were far and few between. for me, creative editing of the truth was my best weapon and i was quite skilled at lying by omission. so what does being honest have to do with being as sick as my secrets? when i CHOOSE not to tell the whole truth to those i trust or “should” trust, i am in essence falling back into that quite familiar pattern. this morning i am scrambling to find the time to finish a coding project, get to a meeting, hike with a friend and still be able to take off Sunday afternoon for a few hours away from the computer. it is no secret that i am unemployed and that my first priority has to be the coding project, but i also need to eke some time out for me, which does put me in a tight spot, what has to go? i am okay with ditching the “me” time on Sunday. i am not okay of not living up to my commitment to myself of at least one “in person” meeting every week, so that stays as well. the knife's edge on which i am balancing is therefore coding or hiking and coding has to get done. i will know by this afternoon if i am comfortable with deferring to Sunday or not and i hate having to decide between bidness and pleasure, as i want them both.
moving on to the here and now, i have decided that this morning i am going to brave to cold and do my daily workout, outside in the single digit temperatures. i am a wimp about the cold, but the thirty minutes i save by not driving to the Rec Center may make the difference between hiking in the morning or nerding harder. OR it may not matter at all. in all honesty, i prefer to be outside and single digits, as heinous as they sound, feels more attractive that walking in circles on the indoor track. i can however, rationalize away any semblance of sanity by diving into that thirty minute window excuse. the fact of the matter is i do not want to appear crazy for choosing cold over circles, when that i what i am actually doing! 🤷 so it is off to the frozen landscape to get some miles under my belt and some very c-o-o-o-o-o-old air into my lungs, as they certainly could use a bit of really fresh air. 🤣

∞ DT ∞