Blog entry for:

needed, was a total makeover --> spiritual, emotional and yes physical. what i got, however was a new manner in which to live, once i allowed the influence of a Twelve Step program to take hold and foster the changes i never consciously desired. once i started to change under that influence, i realized that what i was becoming, was the sort of man i never believed i could be. i may be unemployed, doing my best to live a life not quite as large as i am used to living. i may have a few less than stellar habits, such as enjoying ginormous cigars as i hone my skills, and drinking far too much coffee. i can be a judgemental asshole and i have trouble accepting the whole “not yet” paradigm, especially as it applies to my life. with all of that going on, it would be so easy to say fVck this recovery gig, it is just not working for me, right here and right now and i NEED a vacation from recovery. i know that, however, that is the road to perdition for this addict and the influences i am feeling when i get into that mode, are those of self-entitled, selfish, self-absorbed self-will.
so i guess i have to be careful what i wish for. the position i interviewed for yesterday came back with feedback and told me they were passing on me. so it is back to the drawing board and once again nerding harder. i do have a coding exercise in process for another position, so i will have to apply myself a bit more when i get back home, later this afternoon. i know that there is a job out there for me and i just have to keep working at getting better at the skills that job is seeking. i have one more interview this week and a hike through the snow and cold on Saturday just may be what i need to let go and accept that maybe “not yet” does mean no.
so it is off to the training sites, to practice my skills and see what i can do, to better prepared for my next coding challenge. i am okay and as i sit here, puffing on a cigar, i feel a bit of relief and remorse. i know that i am certainly good enough for an employer to hire, i just have to be able to prove t to them, just for today.

∞ DT ∞