Blog entry for:

in the rooms of recovery, i had very little self-worth left to salvage, even though i was in denial about how i felt about who i was and how i got there. these days, although i am still struggling to become genuine and whole, i certainly know that i have value, to myself and to others, as i no longer live under the shadow of “being broken,” as that lie was dispelled over a year ago. when i got here my whole self-image could have been easily decimated by someone lobbing a deadly tomato at me 🍅, not too much unlike a famous celebrity ex-president, who just does not seem to want to shut up and go away. anyhow, i have gotten off the path and it is time to return to what i heard this morning.
yesterday, i had a very full day, culminating in a bit of binge-watching my latest TV obsession. now that i am caught up with it, i can chill and relax for a few weeks, to allow it to come to its conclusion. what was impressive about my day, yesterday was how much recovery life i could put into it. i got to share at my Home Group, a few weeks early and i got to have dinner with three of my peers. i got to wash winter off my garage floor and make an attempt to patch the lawn where i spilled fertilizer last fall. a day so full of activity, that my FitBit says i “should” take today off. of course, like the obstinate and stubborn person that i am, i am going to ignore that advice and do a 1K walk plus a 9K run today, to keep my training pattern consistent.
what i am feeling this morning, is a sense of knowing what is up with me and how my less than stellar reactions to some of my peers and family members are weighing heavily on my mind. even though i have “manned up” and owned that part i am responsible for, they do not seem to have “heard” and accepted that. in fact they seem to be blaming everyone else for the consequences of their decisions and the behaviors that came out of those decisions. whether or not i agree with them (i do not) it does not matter what i think, it is not my place to guide them to some sort of spiritual and emotional balance. my place is to wait and if asked, give them the HUGE cheek of my experience, that i am dying to throw in their face. not very spiritual, my DESIRE to bushwhack someone with my heavy-handed experience, but certainly an honest assessment of where i am and more importantly who i am. i may have the DESIRE, today, BUT that does not mean i have to choose to act on that DESIRE. today i have value and part of that is being grateful i have the opportunity to CHOOSE my course of action, in any given situation. right here and right now i choose to post this exercise and head on out for my workout. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞