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it can also make one, ignore their recovery work or suffer the slings and arrows of inflated ego. i know this how? because, my over involvement in service had both of those affects on me. i see today, that it was more low self-worth and self-esteem that played into those outcomes and not the fact that i was being of service.
so how do i write about service and my service in particular to the fellowship that provides me this new way of living, without getting all puffed up with pride and ego? well there is always the false humility route that i have seen modeled and often adopt for myself where i diminish my efforts so i appear to be humble. been there done that and have the t-shirt.
of course i c0ould write about how my service seems to affect others, but since i am far from being psychic, i would only be participating in one of my old stand-by behaviors, namely [projecting how you feel, so once again i appear to be better than i am.
that only leaves me talking about how i feel when i contemplate my current set of service efforts. when i look at what i am doing, i feel satisfaction knowing that i just might be making a difference. although the spiritual jury is still out on my latest sponsee to leave the confines of the Boulder County Sheriff's Bed & Breakfast, it looks like he may actually get this gig and want to continue on the path. quite honestly, i was getting frustrated that perhaps i am wasting my time in working one-on-one with these men. i tell others i have no expectations that they will do anything once they are on the outs, and yet inside i HOPE and tell myself, that I AM making a difference. the fact that they do not come to the program when they are free, is no reflection on the quality of my service work, and is nothing that reflects on the quality of my recovery or my program. it is only a reflection on them, and as often as i tell myself, i still come back to the place that somehow i have failed to carry the message, of what their lives could be like if only…
since i FAILED, then my program must be suspect, and if that is the case, exactly what is the point anyhow? as you can see, the part of me i call addiction uses this sort of stuff to hammer home whatever it needs to, to get me to the point of no return. this is where the literature, the fellowship and most importantly the POWER that fuels my recovery can take over and gently guide me back into the fold. it bis not my stuff, if the seed i plant, water and nurture fails to grow. my stuff is to allow it the opportunity and as long as i stay clean, than my efforts were not in vain, in fact, now that i consider a bit deeper, it is because of those efforts and their apparent failure that i GET to stay clean today, anyhow. which is what this is really all about in the long and the short run. speaking of runs, i think the time has come to close this down and get out to the streets for a bit of exercise. i am now confident that the POWER that fuels my recovery gives me the opportunity to be of service, it is my job to accept those opportunities and be present for what i can do today, to repay the debt to the fellowship that provides for my abundant life just for toady.

∞ DT ∞