Some memes

self-centered i once was, i arrived to recovery almost devoid of self-esteem and incapable of loving anyone, perhaps most especially myself. well, ironically what i used as my source to enter the void this morning was phrasing i had already used as a seed for this exercise a year ago. although i wandered way off track when i read that entry, i still feel that i need to give this a bit f a go, before going to he place i desire. i know have said it in the past. more than once i am quite sure, but it bears repeating, part of my denial structure was that i believed i respected, esteemed and yes, loved myself when i got clean. it was not until i had a few years clean and my very first “real≵ FOURTH and FIFTH STEPS under my belt, that i finally glimpsed through the cracks of the wall of my denial, that i lacked the ability to love others, i also lacked the ability to love myself. echoes of that reality, still haunt me today. i have the ability to love others unconditionally, BUT my love of myself is highly conditional and dependent on measuring up to standards far beyond any human skills and abilities. sad but true, i always fail when i look at what i have accomplished, as it is never enough, good enough, fast enough or <GASP> perfect enough.
all of that, as sad as it may be, is tempered by the fact that i want to change that and am embarked on a set of steps focused on doing just that. the phrase that i entered into the void with was: the abundance recovery has brought to my life. part of that abundance is the fact that even though i know i can love myself as i love others, i will have to use the program to achieve that goal. i really am sick and tired of the “FUCK MEs.” i am sick and tired of not measuring up. i am sick and tired of seeing myself as less than i really am. it is the abundance of recovery that fuels these revelation and although that may seem grim and dark, the fact the i want more of myself, is part of that abundance.
the second irony i see this morning, is that when i pondered the abundance my recovery has given me, it was all about creature comforts, material wealth and a life worth living. y desire to take care of my physical, spiritual. emotional and mental well-being was also part of what i heard. the part of finding the ways and means to love myself unconditionally did not bubble up from the depths. it looks like i sort of missed the point about what i really am grateful for from that abundance. all in all, a path forward through my stored pain and misery is certainly one of the greatest gifts that my recovery has given me. as i shift gears into something tedious and fun, i will remember that what i have today, is an abundance for which i can express my gratitude, after all, i would not even have any desire or experience to write this little ditty if i had given up when the shit got to hard.

∞ DT ∞