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and the second step seems to me to be one of those **DUH** notions that is so obvious it needs no comment. in fact, the source material manages to get that notion out of the way very quickly and move on. i can say without any qualifiers or modifiers that when i actually worked STEP One for the very first time, i was grateful for something to give me a bit of HOPE, after coming to terms that i lacked any power over addiction. each time i have come to the end of STEP ONE since that day, i feel the same emptiness and hopelessness, just not nearly as intense, as i did that very first time. as good as i am for dwelling in the house of pain and ignoring what is “good” for me, i do not at all cherish the feelings that are part of my transition from STEP ONE to STEP TWO and generally move quickly on to doing the work.
digging a bit deeper into the gift of HOPE that something can have more power than addiction in my life, i can see that my tumultuous journey to uncover my spiritual path was exactly what i needed. whether or not that was gift of the POWER that fuels my recovery or my persistent stubborn self-will, does not matter, i finally arrived at a place where what i felt was more important than what i thought. i still hate the notion of being powerless over anything. i want to live in a fantasy world where i have all sorts of personal power, but in reality all i have is power over how i respond to my feelings, how i spend my day and what i do next. even that personal power is circumscribed and limited by the real world and its chaotic workings. i often have to adapt what i am going to do next to what is occurring around me. some of the frustration i felt with my friend yesterday is that he never seems to accommodate changes in my schedule when i often have to accommodate his. today, in the context of this topic, i see that being powerless over what believes he “has” to do, is just part of living in the real world and something i “need” to accept, if i want to continue my relationship with him. that is just the way things are in the so-called real world. just for today, i will accept that i need to yield to my powerlessness if i want to maintain my serenity and balance, spiritually and emotionally.

∞ DT ∞