๐ opening my ๐
Posted: Thu, May 7, 2026 10:32:15 AM
mind to an entirely new idea: the possibility that something greater than myself might be more powerful than addiction. the theme of my source material this morning was STEP TWO, specifically how working that step can relieve the hopelessness and despair about being powerless over addiction. the gotcha of working the steps is that every time i revisit STEP 1, i always end up feeling some hopelessness, even after a minute clean. it is true that my obsession to get high and my desire to use has been gone for quite some time, but, addiction works its magic on other parts of me and i always stumble over that when i work the FIRST STEP. part of that hopelessness is that even after some clean time, i am still an addict, even if i have no desire to use. ironically this set of steps has been all about how i treat myself in word and deed, as confusing as that may seem to someone who has yet to arrive at that gate.
i just went down a rabbit hole of my novel timeline but it certainly helped with the next scene i will be writing, now back to the relief of finding my way out of the despair of STEP 1. time to return to the here and now, now that i have delved into the historical spine of my novel.
these days, i am finally paying more attention to the internal dialogue that seems to be the bane of human existence. it is not that i pretended it did not exist before this round of steps. no, that would be the easy way out. i just accepted that everyone had the same judge, jury and executioner running through their heads. a i am finding out, i am not unique in that, BUT, i have the ways and means to take the power those mythical beasts have over me, out my my daily living equation, through the process of recovery. sad but true, it has taken me this long to come to that realization. i could use those same mythical beats to convict me of being ignorant or complacent, rather than accepting them as part of who i am. accepting them as part of me, has become intolerable as i see myself treat others with the respect and kindness i cannot afford to give to myself.
there is a saying in the rooms that when the pain of not doing becomes greater than the pain of change, one accepts the process of change and does the work to foster that change. yeah i paraphrased and made it more applicable to me, so shoot me. 🤣 just for today, i can hear that critic and say let myself listen without taking on the shame of just being human and an addict on the journey of becoming what he never was.
i just went down a rabbit hole of my novel timeline but it certainly helped with the next scene i will be writing, now back to the relief of finding my way out of the despair of STEP 1. time to return to the here and now, now that i have delved into the historical spine of my novel.
these days, i am finally paying more attention to the internal dialogue that seems to be the bane of human existence. it is not that i pretended it did not exist before this round of steps. no, that would be the easy way out. i just accepted that everyone had the same judge, jury and executioner running through their heads. a i am finding out, i am not unique in that, BUT, i have the ways and means to take the power those mythical beasts have over me, out my my daily living equation, through the process of recovery. sad but true, it has taken me this long to come to that realization. i could use those same mythical beats to convict me of being ignorant or complacent, rather than accepting them as part of who i am. accepting them as part of me, has become intolerable as i see myself treat others with the respect and kindness i cannot afford to give to myself.
there is a saying in the rooms that when the pain of not doing becomes greater than the pain of change, one accepts the process of change and does the work to foster that change. yeah i paraphrased and made it more applicable to me, so shoot me. 🤣 just for today, i can hear that critic and say let myself listen without taking on the shame of just being human and an addict on the journey of becoming what he never was.
∞ DT ∞