Blog entry for:

to make the world a better place? as i sit here, on a sort of day off, trying to go about my bidness, while the woman i love is in surgery, i am wondering exactly what to say about this topic. sure, i picked a great seed, that could go anywhere. thinking over the past few months, and zooming back across the years, when it comes down to it, unless the news directly affects me or someone i know, i have been mostly immune to thinking about the world in general and the turmoil within it. my world? with with my significant other in surgery, i am far from focused this morning and trying to work, and support her is proving to be problematic at best.
moving forward, to help take my mind off of stuff that is out of my power, i can state that i was a contributing factor to the turmoil in the local world when i was using, and i LIKED IT! i find myself, from time to time, participating in that behavior, and have come to the conclusion, that among the other things and behaviors that feed the part of me i call my addict, chaos also rules.
first off, i am so grateful that my friend David M made it back from Boston safe and sound, a few weeks ago, when all that chaos was going on. just a clue about how self-absorbed i was, it took me 6 hours after the event, to remember that he was there and to think about checking up on him, to make sure he was alright. in the day, i would have never even thought about it, possibly until the next time i saw him or someone told me a few days later that he had been hurt. i could beat myself up about the delayed reaction, and that even six hours is gap way larger than i would have liked it to be. my goth-cheerleader says, “ well you are getting better, at least you came out of your cloud long enough to finally feel something and make that text!” a dark spin, but one towards the light. it really is like that most days, what used to take me weeks and even months to realize, continues to compress into hours and when i am really present even minutes, which certainly is progress. it only took five days for me to see, that i was stirring the pot at work, and that it was for a variety of reasons, none of which are very good. it only took me 45 minutes to realize that i cannot focus, because i am concerned about someone i love and i just realized i had kept this event from my family, i mean seriously, WTF!
well i do have to shower, and i have made the texts and notifications and i am getting some stuff done. life today? well certainly more chaos that i want, and i guess i will do my best to relieve some of it, by letting go and allowing those who love me, to support me. so on to the next task and into the day i have been given.

∞ DT ∞