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to give it a go, even before i knew what **it** was, was not a notion i was ever fond of, especially when i was in forced abstinence. i was compliant, but i was not willing and it took more than a few days clean, before i started to want what my peers had. of course, that meant coming as close to using as possible and remaining clean. for me,, when the pain of “not doing” finally got great enough, i started to have a bit of willingness to do more than pay lip service to the program and make myself look like the model of a recovering addict. it is more than ironic that i sit here after decades of doing this gig, just for today, looking at the slice of time when the switch was finally flipped and altered my life forever.
i often say that i was not “struck clean” and that my awakening to be willing to do whatever it took to lose the desire to use, as a slow and painful process. that is certainly true, BUT when i reached the end of my rope, after trying to “sample” the program, i saw these two alternatives:

• i could keep fronting recovery and stay clean until my number was up
OR
• i could dive in and give it whirl to see if i was any less miserable.

i was tired of skating near the edge and each near miss made me more irritable, discontented and frustrated. as i did not want my probation clock to be reset to zero, AGAIN and i did not want the consequence of weekend s of sweeping parking lots. i decided it was time to try this out for real, after all, what did i have to lose?
that modicum of willingness, way back when, has grown over the course of the days i have stayed clean. i cannot and will not say i will be clean the rest of my days, unless of course this is my last day, BUT, i am willing to entertain the notion that i can and will stay clean today, by living a program of active recovery. my life, as far from perfect as it may be, is fuller and more vibrant than i ever imagined. i have real friends, people who love and trust me and i have come to find that after five decades of hiding who i was from myself, i certainly like the person i have uncovered. my journey to self-discovery was deferred for over twenty years, but since i threw back the curtain, the man i found has turned out to be more amazing than i realized. he may not be as great and powerful as i imagined, but he is certainly more caring and stronger. today, i am willing to continue this journey because i will not accept the alternatives to my recovery mere abstinence or active addiction. for this addict those are the only choices, just for today.

∞ DT ∞