๐ when confronted ๐
Posted: Thu, Jul 17, 2025 09:41:25 AM
with the truth about how i hurt or disappointed my friends, co-workers or family members, i could not and would not deal with it. even after getting clean, my denial-machine was in action, constantly telling me that: i was not an addict, i did not have a problem with the manner in which i used, and i certainly did not “need” any sort of recovery program 12 step or otherwise. many times in those days of mere abstinence, i nearly lost the battle between staying clean and doing “just one more.” the long and short of it, is simply that i had no desire to give up the life i was living, as i saw the alternative as dull, boring and endlessly mundane. ironically, my life today, after a minute clean, is a whole lot more interesting than the life i once had.
as i sat this morning, i did not hear anything about resilience or hope. it is not all that unusual that i miss the point of the daily reading as i “listen,” but today it kind of bugged me. normally i keep a “seed” of the reading in my mind as a mantra of sorts. today, i kept nothing in mind and as a result, had a wholly different experience. considering what i need to take with me as i walk out the door here in a few minutes, i feel balanced and incredibly “blessed” to be able to have any sort of life at all. i get to work out on a daily basis. i get smoke a cigar or two, as i enjoy a good cup of coffee. i get to practice my craft and do the footwork to find new employment. most importantly, i GET to walk through this day, without having to feed the beast, as it were. i have no desire to get high, even if it worked right to the end.
i do not live on a hope and a prayer anymore and i no longer need to deflect the truth, as seen through the eyes of those closest to me. today, i can seek out a new job, take another inch off my belly, hone my programming skills and be okay being present for those around me. i can be awake for what is or is not happening. if push comes to shove and someone decides to tell me a “truth” that i have totally missed, i can listen and not defend myself, as i have to take them at their word. it is time, however to get to my full-time job, looking for one and sharpening my skills. just for today, i can walk in the light of the spirit and allow myself the freedom to be me.
as i sat this morning, i did not hear anything about resilience or hope. it is not all that unusual that i miss the point of the daily reading as i “listen,” but today it kind of bugged me. normally i keep a “seed” of the reading in my mind as a mantra of sorts. today, i kept nothing in mind and as a result, had a wholly different experience. considering what i need to take with me as i walk out the door here in a few minutes, i feel balanced and incredibly “blessed” to be able to have any sort of life at all. i get to work out on a daily basis. i get smoke a cigar or two, as i enjoy a good cup of coffee. i get to practice my craft and do the footwork to find new employment. most importantly, i GET to walk through this day, without having to feed the beast, as it were. i have no desire to get high, even if it worked right to the end.
i do not live on a hope and a prayer anymore and i no longer need to deflect the truth, as seen through the eyes of those closest to me. today, i can seek out a new job, take another inch off my belly, hone my programming skills and be okay being present for those around me. i can be awake for what is or is not happening. if push comes to shove and someone decides to tell me a “truth” that i have totally missed, i can listen and not defend myself, as i have to take them at their word. it is time, however to get to my full-time job, looking for one and sharpening my skills. just for today, i can walk in the light of the spirit and allow myself the freedom to be me.
∞ DT ∞