Some memes

needs and passion simply exceed my aptitude and energy. these days, however, that is not the case, most of the time. as a result of a minute clean and a step or twelve, i have some to see that for me, back in the day, serving my fellowship in every possible way, was a way to make myself feel better about who i was. that Jedi mind trick worked in two ways. the first being telling myself the story that i “should” not feel bad about myself, because i was so willing to volunteer for everything. the second and definitely the sickest, was that in the eyes of my peers i would be esteemed and respected and even looked at as something more than i felt i happened to be at the time. life in my skin, in those days, was not all that comfortable and finding my place in this fellowship meant being everything to everyone, at the cost of any sort of social life. i was more than willing to trade social for service, as it felt at the time to be the next correct thing to do. it is not a bad thing that these days, i serve my fellowship much more quietly and with very little fanfare.
what is often the case, what bubbles up from the depths of the void, is not anything related to what with which i started that dive. today, what i heard were two songs by Simon and Garfunkel:

• The Only Living Boy in New York
• The 59th Street Bridge Song

there is no rhyme or reason why that was the case and i am not going to devote many cycles to trying to figure it out. what i do know, is that as they surfaced they elicited feeling of serenity and certainty, in these turbulent and uncertain times, globally and personally. i also know that as a result, i started this day a bit more centered than i have been the past few days, even after dropping my brand new container of blueberries, all over the fridge and kitchen floor. 😭 😭 😭 it is ironic that even though i have had no nibbles at all in my job hunt, i am still not freaking out and perhaps i need to be, or not. i doing the footwork and i have to live in a bit of FAITH that i will be employed again, before my nest egg runs out.
i do not have anything more to add to this little exercise in mind dumpery. i do have a few things planned for today, mostly dealing with taking care of myself and a bit of helping out a friend. it is really hard for me, to walk in the heat, all prepared for exactly that and watch my friend take no action at all to defend himself from the elements. it is what it is and he does exactly what he believes he needs to do, and nothing more. i guess i am wired differently in that once bitten twice shy. i have been down the malignant melanoma route and choose to do what i can, to prevent that from recurring. i do have to admit, before i was afflicted, i acted in the same manner as my friend, so i get it. just for today, however, i will do what i can to be a better self: physically, emotionally and spiritually.

∞ DT ∞