Some memes

as a result of the recovery process, is something that i take solace in, these days. it is more than a bit ironic that the seed i chose to take me into the void this morning, was the seed i used a year ago for this exercise in mind-dumperey. for the longest time in my recovery, grace was one of the concepts i associated with religion as in the “God's grace,” even though i am a Tuesday's child that is supposed to be filled with grace. as someone who is a klutz and more than a bit socially retarded, this always haunted me. the last thing i ever saw in myself was any modicum of grace, in any form. looking at my process of recovery, i can certainly see, that the grace i have always denied having, has been there all along. all it took was for me to let go of any illusion that i was in total control and that i could will things to go the way i desired, if i applied myself with a vigorous enough effort.
this morning, as i hiked a trail that i fell on and bruised my ribs a couple of years ago, i found myself watching the trail, rather than thinking about what i had to get done today. when i returned to my car, unscathed, i had a giant smile on my face and felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from me, at least for those seventy-two minutes. as i sit here enjoying a cigar and musing about how i am starting to feel the grace that i have always had, i can say that i am grateful for those dark days that brought me to my knees and gave me the desire to do more than maintain abstinence. i have the ability today to see more than my point of view and open myself up to a different way of looking at the world around me. do not get me wrong, the world these days is far to cruel, chaotic and coarse for my taste. i can still revel in my cynicism, but i can also look for the heroes and the acts of kindness that may come my way. sure my life is a bit unbalanced these days, as i try and figure out what i am going to do next. what i am seeking is not going to come in a flash of light accompanied by a clap of thunder, but there may be something i miss, if i do not consider that maybe, just maybe the next right thing is something i have never considered doing. one thing is for sure, retail has never been in my wheelhouse, but perhaps i have enough grace to consider that as something i am willing to dive into. just for today, however, i will wrap this up and get on with my delayed daily tasks at hand.

∞ DT ∞