π i will allow π
Posted: Wed, Aug 12, 2026 10:54:01 AM
myself to be present for the evolution of my spiritual journey. one of my most persistent and whiny complaints about my recovery, is that it seems i am the last to see my spiritual growth. i am present for every aspect of my life, but somehow i missed he memo about being awake and present for my spiritual growth. the first clue i got about this happened just around two years clean when someone asked me if i still had the desire to use and if not, when did it go away. i though for a moment and said yes, i no longer have the desire to use, but then i had to consider even longer to figure out exactly when that desire was lifted from me. to my dismay it happened the day i first sat down with my new sponsor and spoke of my history in active addiction, six months before that question was posed. that really got me thinking about what other spiritual growth steps i had missed and how was i going to be able to “see” them in real time. that solution still eludes me most of the time, even after a minute or so clean.
what i do notice and more to the point, is that by writing this little exercise i get more clues about where i am growing and where my growth is being retarded through my own resistance to what is happening. self-will versus true will and the conflict that arises from those “wills.” to be clear, the ELEVENTH STEP defines “true will” as what occurs when my will aligns with the will of my HIGHER POWER. the fact that my spiritual path does not clearly define any sort of POWER with human attributes is the downfall to his tension. yes the POWER that fuels my recovery, provide for my needs and spiritual growth by presenting opportunities to me. i have to be present to see and act upon them. it s life and the events in my current life that drive my growth. choosing to make someone ask for my help, rather than offering it to them preemptively, is a reflection on my spiritual state. i certainly could have been kind and just asked, and the caveat there goes to my judgement. when i do not really like someone, my expectation of being asked is probably one that will not be met, as history preclude them asking. what i judged to be pride may have actually been fear of being rejected. what i read as confusion or hesitancy may have been a judgement of what i might have done, based on previous history. even though it was suggested that an “ask” might have provided the help they required, they chose not to see that as an opportunity to enhance our current strained realtionship. i did have the opportunity to be kind and i chose to allow him the freedom to ask for my kindness, even though i was fairly certain he would not do so. my obligation to myself is to not hide behind that fact and own that i missed the opportunity to be a better person than i am, by offering kindliness to someone i have more than a little animus towards. in that sense, i can see that i did not behave my way into better thinking and it is certainly a criticism of myself that does stand up to something beyond the lie.
where does that leave me in the whole concept of being present for my evolution? actually in a good place. recognizing where i could have grown, instead of sweeping it under the carpet of “oh well, let him play the victim,” is certainly a revelation of where i might have gone and where i actually am, just for today.
what i do notice and more to the point, is that by writing this little exercise i get more clues about where i am growing and where my growth is being retarded through my own resistance to what is happening. self-will versus true will and the conflict that arises from those “wills.” to be clear, the ELEVENTH STEP defines “true will” as what occurs when my will aligns with the will of my HIGHER POWER. the fact that my spiritual path does not clearly define any sort of POWER with human attributes is the downfall to his tension. yes the POWER that fuels my recovery, provide for my needs and spiritual growth by presenting opportunities to me. i have to be present to see and act upon them. it s life and the events in my current life that drive my growth. choosing to make someone ask for my help, rather than offering it to them preemptively, is a reflection on my spiritual state. i certainly could have been kind and just asked, and the caveat there goes to my judgement. when i do not really like someone, my expectation of being asked is probably one that will not be met, as history preclude them asking. what i judged to be pride may have actually been fear of being rejected. what i read as confusion or hesitancy may have been a judgement of what i might have done, based on previous history. even though it was suggested that an “ask” might have provided the help they required, they chose not to see that as an opportunity to enhance our current strained realtionship. i did have the opportunity to be kind and i chose to allow him the freedom to ask for my kindness, even though i was fairly certain he would not do so. my obligation to myself is to not hide behind that fact and own that i missed the opportunity to be a better person than i am, by offering kindliness to someone i have more than a little animus towards. in that sense, i can see that i did not behave my way into better thinking and it is certainly a criticism of myself that does stand up to something beyond the lie.
where does that leave me in the whole concept of being present for my evolution? actually in a good place. recognizing where i could have grown, instead of sweeping it under the carpet of “oh well, let him play the victim,” is certainly a revelation of where i might have gone and where i actually am, just for today.
∞ DT ∞