Some memes

to see that focusing less on being the product of my wreckage and more on being the product of my recovery, is the result of my growing self-respect. when i was using, i would have told you that nothing i did was wrong and the consequences of any of my actions were not my fault. i would walk through any situation, at least in front of others, as if i was invincible and my opinion of who and what i was was unassailable. i would have said that was evidence of self-respect and feeling worthy of the respect of others. despite all appearances i was very fragile and craved validation from everyone around me. making the transition into recovery, started me on the journey of a lifetime where i could find out the truth of who i was and where i could go, if i only freed myself from the chains that had me bound, which was more than my need to use.
each of my journeys through the TWELVE STEPS has removed another layer of the dirt, detritus and wreckage that has been my life. i know that i am an addict and even when my peers share about what they believe led them into active addiction, i understand what they are doing, but for me, why and how i used for that first time is no longer something i fret about. living a life in recovery has eliminated the need for me to uncover the causes and conditions of addiction and just accept that is what i am and probably will be for life.
owning that i am an addict, does nothing to deter me from feeling worthy of being respected by others and most importantly by myself. when i require a quick “worth boost” all i have to do is compare my daily life today, to what it once was. i know i have heard it said so many times that the recovery process create a new person, BUT, i am beginning to see that the same crappy and self-centered person i once was in daily life, lingers on. what i am these days, is a collection of choices that help me to live a better life. walking in the here and now and automagically choosing the next right thing to do, is the result of the personality change that has been manifested within me, due to my commitment to living a program of recovery.
as i walk out into this morning, i know that i am worthy of self-respect. i live a life respecting others and working towards respecting myself. my secret list of expectations of how i want the world to look, has been revealed to me, and one by one i can address my behaviors to change how i respond when one of those expectations is not met. life in recovery allows me the freedom to be more that i ever was, even if i do not know what “more” may be. just for today, i can and will be the better version of myself that has come to pass.

∞ DT ∞