๐ when i came ๐
Posted: Sat, Dec 20, 2025 08:06:28 AM
to recovery, it did not feel authentic to describe myself as being on a spiritual path or even interested in pursuing one. as a matter of fact, the whole spiritual gig seemed to be more than a bit cultist to me. time and again, i stumbled over the whole spiritual concept and in the short run, adopted a spiritual path, or at least a semblance of one, that “looked” the one my peers were following. what i was missing was that recovery in and of itself was a spiritual path, regardless of what sort of notion i had about religion, GOD, prayer, signs and miracles.
from the very beginning, i was willing to serve, mostly because i believed it made me look better in the eyes of my peers. across the days i have clean, i have come to see, that my willingness to serve, now comes from the desire to be “of service,” whether or not anyone catches me in the act. life is ironic that way for me, what was once an act, has become a way of life. what was once emulation has become part and parcel of who i am and who i walk through my days. today i understand the =at the “spiritual” part of the program is more than the echoes of organized religion, unless i choose make it so.
as i prepare to walk out into this December morning, i do have to admit that as i was “listening” i realized that i do miss my Mom on her second birthday after her death. our relationship was complicated and it took me some time to find the ways and means to forgive her and let her rest in peace, at least in my own head. i know that i withdrew in the end, and i can many0ufacture all sorts of excuses, all i had to do was say i was coming over so get the foul-tempered dog out of my way. i do have a few regrets, but in the long run, i really needed that distance to see what was really important and it was not what she did in the past or what she would never admit, it was that i actually loved her and was grateful she chose the time and place to shuffle off this mortal coil. today, i am grateful that i have a found that love for her again and can remember the good parts of our lives together, instead of dwelling on the less than stellar parts.
from the very beginning, i was willing to serve, mostly because i believed it made me look better in the eyes of my peers. across the days i have clean, i have come to see, that my willingness to serve, now comes from the desire to be “of service,” whether or not anyone catches me in the act. life is ironic that way for me, what was once an act, has become a way of life. what was once emulation has become part and parcel of who i am and who i walk through my days. today i understand the =at the “spiritual” part of the program is more than the echoes of organized religion, unless i choose make it so.
as i prepare to walk out into this December morning, i do have to admit that as i was “listening” i realized that i do miss my Mom on her second birthday after her death. our relationship was complicated and it took me some time to find the ways and means to forgive her and let her rest in peace, at least in my own head. i know that i withdrew in the end, and i can many0ufacture all sorts of excuses, all i had to do was say i was coming over so get the foul-tempered dog out of my way. i do have a few regrets, but in the long run, i really needed that distance to see what was really important and it was not what she did in the past or what she would never admit, it was that i actually loved her and was grateful she chose the time and place to shuffle off this mortal coil. today, i am grateful that i have a found that love for her again and can remember the good parts of our lives together, instead of dwelling on the less than stellar parts.
∞ DT ∞