Some memes

difference between denial and refusal, even though denial can mean a refusal to see the truth. denial is about truth, while refusal is about action. even in the sense that we use it in recovery, denial is all about what is true and what is not. i certainly denied i was an addict, way back when. hell, i even denied that using was causing any issues in my life, despite the number of times i paid one or more consequence for my life in active addiction. once i got a clue that perhaps using was an issue, my resistance to doing anything about it, save marking off the time i had left before i could use again, was certainly refusal, as i took no action.
life in refusal, or as i more often call it, mere abstinence was okay for almost eighteen months. the problem was that the longer i “hung around” the rooms, the more my wall of denial got chipped away. i begin to see that i was not being lured onto a cult and that the members who were already there, were far from brain-washed into believing they were addicts. the evidence they needed was right in front of their eyes. as i listened to them share about what brought them through the doors, what they though and what they believed, i began to see that i was not all that unique and perhaps this was the first place where i might be understood. when i reached out in desperation, after my emotional and mental relapse, i knew that my physical relapse was a strong possibility and my denial did not protect me from avoiding the consequences of what a physical relapse would mean for my life under the thumb of probation. i finally moved out of refusal to just a bit of acceptance of what i needed to do, to have the life i wanted. the plan, at that time, was to do just enough to get off paper, avoid prison and return to using. ironically, here i am, a very long minute since i got freed from the justice system.
today, in the here and now, how is my refusal playing out? well, i have yet to write out my resentment list and that certainly could look like an act of refusal. i do not deny that i have to write a FOURTH STEP and am willing to do so. what i am uncovering though, is the depth and number of resentments i actually have. when i started to consider my FOURTH STEP i was certain the only resentment i had was against myself and my lack of consideration and kindness for myself. day by day, my list is getting longer as more of the shit and baggage i have been carrying rises to the surface and reveals itself. i almost wish i had taken my sponsor's suggestion and wrote out the list in February, as i would have had a simple list: me and all those who enabled for the current president of the United States, to make kindness, consideration and equality, concepts that imply weakness or lack of patriotism. WOKE, may be a four-lettered word, but IMHO, it is a value i cherish and take on as part of who i am. needless to say, those are still on the top of my list, as well as a few others that fill me with anger when i even consider them.
all of that aside, today, i am seeing where my denial and refusal meet and when i choose not to act, in any sense, the rationalizations, excuses and justifications are no longer filling the bill. just for today, i will take the action that is in front of me and be okay with doing the next right thing, as the truth of who and what i am is revealed.

∞ DT ∞