๐ nobody needs ๐
Posted: Sun, Jun 28, 2026 01:58:17 PM
love without conditions more than a suffering addict. ah, unconditional love, what a concept. the notion of love was difficult enough for me when i came to recovery, but love without strings? that was inconceivable. everything has strings in my world, some as thick as thread other as thick as anchor cables and all of them attached to desire, need or survival, MINE! i used the word love, loosely and once upon a time believed that i loved my ex-wife. the reality was i loved the idea of having someone attractive by my side and bound to me by ceremony. it is no wonder that relationship did not work out. my confusion was that i thought desire was love. attachment was love. ceremony was love and none of that was true, much to my surprise when it was over. so it goes.
this morning as i dealt with my aching body and wondered if i would ever be able to sleep deeply and soundly again, i sat and listened to the void and uncovered a notion that i really do understand love without conditions, at least i have more than a clue or three about what it may look and feel like, but that is not something i will write about here, as words will fail to fully describe what i heard. what i do know is that i have the ability and the desire love others and myself without conditions. the myself part is new, even though i would never admit it. the evidence is what i am willing to do today, to remove the power of self-deprecation and perfectionism from my psyche. going over my resentment list with my sponsor the other day, opened a door into who i want to be. it is easy these days to be kind to others. it is nearly impossible still to be kind to myself and i am sick and tired of living in that house of pain. what i felt this morning was a door that was unlocked and starting to open, into an existence where i mattered to me, not selfishly or in a self-centered manner, those are old manners. today, i want to allow myself to develop a new set of manners when it comes to how i treat myself. which certainly is achievable, but not today, today i have to choose a path that leads to that reality.
this morning as i dealt with my aching body and wondered if i would ever be able to sleep deeply and soundly again, i sat and listened to the void and uncovered a notion that i really do understand love without conditions, at least i have more than a clue or three about what it may look and feel like, but that is not something i will write about here, as words will fail to fully describe what i heard. what i do know is that i have the ability and the desire love others and myself without conditions. the myself part is new, even though i would never admit it. the evidence is what i am willing to do today, to remove the power of self-deprecation and perfectionism from my psyche. going over my resentment list with my sponsor the other day, opened a door into who i want to be. it is easy these days to be kind to others. it is nearly impossible still to be kind to myself and i am sick and tired of living in that house of pain. what i felt this morning was a door that was unlocked and starting to open, into an existence where i mattered to me, not selfishly or in a self-centered manner, those are old manners. today, i want to allow myself to develop a new set of manners when it comes to how i treat myself. which certainly is achievable, but not today, today i have to choose a path that leads to that reality.
∞ DT ∞