Some memes

my first sustained exposure to the good feeling is not a strength for me. if something is enjoyable, worthwhile, valuable in any way, why not get as much as i possibly can of that thing? so i do not fall into false humility right off the bat, i have learned a trick or two in recovery: deferred gratification and when to say stop no more. although often way too late. case in point, my being on injured reserve fro the month of July. i run with a passion because it makes me feel better about my finest, so it is valuable. running also brings me pleasure as i concentrate on my surrounding and with whom i share my routes. what i forgot in the midst of all the benefit i receive from running, is that i am sixty-nine years old and my body no longer recovers, as it once did. running three to four miles four times a week and 10K kilometers on Sunday, was too much and when i return to running it will be three days a week with walking sprinkled in on a regular basis. that will keep the fitness rolling and perhaps make me a better runner. i can choose moderation this activity without injuring myself. living in DESIRE is the antithesis to living daily progarm of recovery, as i will never get enough, no matter how much i end of getting. someone once asked how much i desired and i said “ all of it! ” 🤪
what i heard this morning was a set of rationalizations about not being prudent in any aspect of my life. once those were dealt with and it took a minute, to understand that yes i am addict. yes i have needs and wants. and i will never have enough of anything. as i hiked on a very familiar trail, i learned that allowing the pace to be set by NY friend was not a bad thin, even if i thought we could move faster. moderation was the key, as i had not tested the results of my down time with anything remotely challenging. the answer to whether i am ready or not to go hike a fourteener is a very strong maybe. although the worst indicators of my true state of physical being will come to light tomorrow morning. the hike was pleasurable and the company was even more so. it was a test that i could have easily failed, but apparently not today.
can i live in the moment of the here and now. that is still an open question. what i can do is evaluate whether or not i am sliding down a rabbit hole of DESIRE or am i just enjoying the moment and can leave it at that. i am still an addict and DESIRE still lives within me. balancing DESIRE with prudence will take a bit of work. just for today, i will allow myself to be myself, an addict living a life of recovery.

∞ DT ∞