Blog entry for:

it is easier to trust God, a Power capable of managing my life, than to trust only myself, and the more i surrender, the easier it gets.
so before i ponder surrender, i need to check in, for some reason i feel lost and empty this morning. yes, nothing has gone as i planned, but that usually leads to frustration and anger. so whatever is going on is happening on a deeper level, rather than a reaction to the events of the morning. i did listen to a fifth step last night and that may be what is up. perhaps, i gave so much, that today i am a bit emptier. the reason for my feelings today are actually trivial, acknowledging them and surrendering to them is far more important.
which brings me around to the topic of the reading, surrendering self-will. so my plan of the day has been disrupted, if and when i choose to surrender, then i need to let go of the outcomes, and allow something greater than me be in control of my unmanageable life. so what exactly does that mean to me? well that is a good question. there are days when i am chugging along just fine, on those days i have at least unconscionably surrendered as i have been told to do over and over again. after a string of those sort of days, i begin to believe that i have ability to manage my own life. then a day like today pops up and BOOM here i am back at the beginning of step 3 starting to give my life back to where it belongs. what i was doing automagically, now needs to be worked on. my experience in recovery has been that surrendering my will to my HIGHER POWER is always the easier, softer way, regardless of what i tell myself.
so where to from here? well off to the store to get a replacement part for my laptop, and a quick breath of fresh air before re-embarking on my day. and most of all, a conscious decision to be part of my recovery and not resist it.

∞ DT ∞