Blog entry for:

it is decaying. if i stand still, my spiritual progress will lose its upward momentum. before long, i will be right back where i started: in conflict with everyone and everything around me, unable to bear even myself.
the road to relapse or the road to further recovery. it seems pretty harsh and absolute, and it has been my experience that recovery and life is hardly a binary experience. so there appears to be a conflict in what i am being told and what my general experience is. so as always, when i find one of these little glitches, i need to evaluate what is going on. in early recovery i would just ignore the entire reading as not applicable to me, hence no conflict. as i progressed, i took what was said as some sort of divine edict that did not need to be questioned, just accepted. two sides of the same coin, back into binary decision making.
these days i examine what i know and what i am being told, and see if the conflict can be resolved. based on my experience, my spiritual growth does stop when i choose to stop actively working the program. my intolerance grows and my patience wears thin. i start to dismiss what is happening around me as other people’s stuff and find all sorts of reasons to continue to not work a program. when i choose to be active in my recovery, my intolerance lessens and my patience grows, i become willing to do what is suggested and i do grow. so based on my experience, this is one of those rare instances where shades of grey are not the case. this is one of those black and white cases, and as an addict i am very fond of either or situations. it was how i trird to view the world, but recovery has opened my mind to the real state of the world.
so what needs to alter? well my world view that there are NO absolutes, and NO binary decision making cases. yes the world is colored in shades of grey, but to even that rule there is an exception or two.
so what is the status of my journey today? well i did work on my step last night, i have been to three meetings this week and am planning to go to another tonight and i am being consistent in writing this little work. so i would have to say, at least for today, i am on the upward path to further recovery. life is worth recovering for me today, so i think i will do whatever it takes.

∞ DT ∞