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by wishing and dreaming, despite what the stories i tell myself may try to get me to come top believe. it is true that for the most part my recovery is on auto-pilot, in a sense. the desire to use has left me. i automatically sit for fifteen or so minutes twice a day. i accept without any reservations that i am an addict. i work steps, slowly and deliberately and i still attend meetings on a very regular basis. autopilot or not, i still participate actively in my recovery and readings, such as the one this morning, do make me sit up and pay attention. i know some of my peers may find that i see my recovery as happening without a whole lot effort, very strange and unusual. the fact is, i have grown so accustomed to the effort that i exert in my active recovery, it just “feels” as if it is happening by magic. inured to my current effort or not, the fact is, even after several thousand days clean, i need to look at my program with a critical eye and be certain that i am doing more than “enough” to foster my spiritual growth. the reading yesterday reminded me that it is not important to be reminded about what has NOT happened. the reading today set off a chain reaction about what IS happening in my recovery journey, focusing on the here and now.
part of what is happening is that my newest sponsee is challenging me to look at the same bundle of feelings, guilt and shame that he is trying to untangle. mine is not nearly as toxic nor as pressing, but they are certainly starting to surface and i am feeling the need to dive a bit deeper into that same pool. as i work with him, i am feeling the need to perhaps look a bit more closely at my own life, and the insanity of the feelings i swallowed years ago, but have been left untouched and unacknowledged for all that time. certainly more than a little piece of insanity that is upsetting my journey to feeling “balanced.” it is now becoming a bit more clear that all the self-righteously judgements i am making is a diversion from looking at what is really going on inside of me. as my feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy bubble up to the surface, i divert my attention to those around me, either by taking on yet another service commitment or finding fault with my peers, friends and acquaintances, to drive the a wedge between me and the very souls who are saving my life. as i walk through the rest of this day, i will certainly be more aware of my recovery journey and cognizant of the fact that if i am not growing, i am more than likely going.

∞ DT ∞