Blog entry for:

of wishing.
**if wishes were horses, beggars would ride!** or to put it into a recovery based context:
if wishes were recovery no one would relapse.
when i came around to being part of the recovery community, long before i ever got clean or actually became a member, all i wished for was to stay clean long enough to get my a$$ out of legal hot water. ah the stories i have told, the places i have been and the things i have done, between the day i “wished” to be clean and out of legal trouble and right here and right now.
this morning as i sit trying to figure out where i am going, i am frustrated by the petty bureaucrats that protect their little fiefdoms with such vigor. what i want and what needs to be done are not the same thing and it becomes frustrating when the hoops have to be jumped through. most of the time i am okay with it, but for some reason, today it is like pounding sand or counting drops of water in the ocean. what i need to do, is make the correction, step away, take a breath and move along. which is very often the best course of action.
back to the thought at hand, wishing myself well. i have learned in a very painful way, that trying to coast through my recovery, does not generate the results i desire. i do get envious of my peers that seem to get to do that, and yet, when i look deeper i also see that, like me, they are good at fronting what is not going on in their lives. my co-workers have no clue of the hell i came from and they really need not ever learn of it. to them, i appear to be “normal,” and just someone who does not drink. i know how i want my peers to view me, and at times will front that i am some sort of spiritual guru who has this recovery gig wired. i can make a pretty good show of that, BECAUSE i have learned to live a program and BECAUSE i accept the fact that my recovery requires a minimum of effort to keep it progressing.
yes i cannot wish myself anything but loaded again. i have a job, a relationship, friends and peers, because i live a 100% program. i practice these principles in all of my affairs, especially in business. when i manipulate or front something i am not, i almost always get busted, maybe not right away, but it certainly does not take very long. right now? well right now, i need to wrap this up by saying today is a good day to mpractice what i preach, walk back into the arena at work and be assertive and kind to all the tools who do not want to let go of whatever power they may think they have over me. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞