Blog entry for:

now this is a concept that is finally easy for me to grasp. i understand the necessity of my physical pain -- to warn me that something is not quite right with my current physical status and emotional pain -- that something is not quite right with my emotional condition. i also understand that my ability to recognize joy comes in part from my ability to feel pain. all of the intellectual exercises come to nothing however when i am feeling PAIN. in that moment i all i want to do is end the pain one way or another. when i used, i knew how to numb the pain with the temporary bliss of getting HIGH (or in the end maybe not bliss but at least a diminishing of the pain i felt). in recovery, i still think about a quick fix, whether that is huting someone else, buying a new toy or finding someone to fix. rarely is my first thought

I NEED TO TALK TO MY SPONSOR OR ANOTHER RECOVERING ADDICT ABOUT THIS.
or
I NEED TO INVENTORY THIS AND SEE WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT
or even
THIS IS PART OF LIFE AND IT WILL PASS

although these thoughts do occur after a bit of time they are not the first thing that i think of when i hurt. today i am better at waiting to see what the next moment brings and less apt to go use something else to numb my pain. today i have a sponsor and closed-mouth friends in recovery who love and care for me. today i have FAITH that GOD will not give me more than i can handle. today i have the steps and the process of recovery to help me through these times of pain and get back to a place where i can accept the feelings i am having now (joy, pain or whatever) and stay clean another day.
and for that i feel a great sense of relief today!
-- DT --