ฮด finding my courage in drugs has nothing to do with the way i live my life today โฆ
Posted: Mon, Mar 17, 2008 10:52:17 AM
clean and in recovery, i am bound to feel frightened at times. these fears are natural, even healthy, what is not healthy is allowing fear to paralyze me. fearless versus having courage, quite a meaty topic for this snowy Monday, and the meat is not corned beef and cabbage. the truth is that the courage i obtained through the use of drugs was not courage at all, it was the absence of fear because i was numb enough not to feel anything. so the whole trick these days is recognizing when i am afraid, and trying to see what that FEAR is all about. there are times when i am afraid of changing. there are times when i afraid of hurting someone else. and there are times when i fear that i am irrelevant and that i will pass through the object of my passion and not leave any sign of ever being there.
these days it is the latter that is consuming me. i am at the end of a service commitment that i have a great passion for, and as i approach the natural end of my term, i have fear that what i have tried to accomplish, everything that i have a vision about, and the whole structure in general will crash under its own weight and things will be worse off for my leaving.
are any of these FEARS rational? not really. are any of these FEARS based on something else? more than likely. as i sit down and write this i am struck by my arrogance. this is all going back to ego, and that ego is getting in the way of me gracefully leaving this particular phase of my service career behind and moving into the next one. FEAR of change is at the heart of this and i am reacting by reading sinister motives into more than a few of the members with whom i am currently serving. after all, if i am having visions of how great i am, and how much i leave behind, than everyone else must have them also! they are after all just like me n’est-ce pas?
it is a good thing i have a meeting scheduled with my sponse tonight, i am sorely in need of a bit of guidance, and i am now willing to accept that he will provide me the means to get all of this sorted out and move on. hey that is an act of courage, no my fears have not lessened, but i am certain that the end of this day, i can and will be able to sleep in the comfort that i have been rest on the path that i need to be walking on. off to the bank and into the real world!
these days it is the latter that is consuming me. i am at the end of a service commitment that i have a great passion for, and as i approach the natural end of my term, i have fear that what i have tried to accomplish, everything that i have a vision about, and the whole structure in general will crash under its own weight and things will be worse off for my leaving.
are any of these FEARS rational? not really. are any of these FEARS based on something else? more than likely. as i sit down and write this i am struck by my arrogance. this is all going back to ego, and that ego is getting in the way of me gracefully leaving this particular phase of my service career behind and moving into the next one. FEAR of change is at the heart of this and i am reacting by reading sinister motives into more than a few of the members with whom i am currently serving. after all, if i am having visions of how great i am, and how much i leave behind, than everyone else must have them also! they are after all just like me n’est-ce pas?
it is a good thing i have a meeting scheduled with my sponse tonight, i am sorely in need of a bit of guidance, and i am now willing to accept that he will provide me the means to get all of this sorted out and move on. hey that is an act of courage, no my fears have not lessened, but i am certain that the end of this day, i can and will be able to sleep in the comfort that i have been rest on the path that i need to be walking on. off to the bank and into the real world!
∞ DT ∞