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to live an active program of recovery, is far from a fearless path. in fact, FEAR is a part of my daily life, no matter how i slice or dice it. if i caved in to that omnipresent FEAR, i would spend my day in bed, with my covers over my head, shuddering about the litany of “what-ifs” real or imagined, that FEAR generates. living in the FEAR of someone discovering that i was “broken” has been a long and very tiresome journey. now that i have been freed from that burden, life IS a whole lot easier.
does that mean that there is nothing for me to be concerned, even fearful, about in my life? HELL NO! what that means for me today, is that i accept that my life has all sorts of paths into the unknowable future. some of those paths i can see and am working towards doing something about. others are more nebulous, hence more fear-ridden, than those i can see. is it courageous to get up, get out of bed, put myself out there for the world to see and do my best to live a life in accordance of the spiritual principles i espouse? maybe, but it is hard for me to see that as some sort of courageous act, if that was the case, every single addict, who is clean today and in recovery, are courageous, and perhaps we are.
what is driving my concern today, is my Dad. he is once again in the hospital because his new hip developed an abscess in the surgical site and needed additional work, yesterday. hopefully, and i use that term in full sincerity, this will be what he needs to get on with the rest of his life. my Mom, on the other hand, is allowing herself to waste away, in the loneliness of her empty house. that is her choice, but all of a sudden she is yelling “I love you” at me as i am exiting her abode. finally, it seems, she is getting a clue or three about how i have been feeling, but i have yet to say it back to her. i do love her and i think my reticence to express that verbally is part of a power battle i am having. if i refuse to say those words, than i am in control, which was one of the side effects my sponse and i discussed on Friday morning. my fear in this regard, is that i will continue down this path,, seeking vengeance, for the stuff she perpetrated upon me, until she grovels at my feet. not a healthy manner for this addict to live in and one that needs to be addressed post-haste by an “action plan.”
will have some time to consider that, as i am about to go slip and slide through the hood. i want to be a better person and i know that until i find a path to forgiveness, i will be “stuck” in the muck of unhealthy behaviors and emotional angst. just for today, i will face the FEAR i feel and find the path to walk through it.

∞ DT ∞