Blog entry for:

because i have learned to recognize my FEAR and walk through it with a courage i never believed i possessed. i too, like many other human beings, those who are addicts and those who are not, also used to believe that if i did not feel FEAR, i was some sort of super hero brave guy. the sad truth of the matter was in those days, i was actually basically afraid all the time, but when i grew uncomfortable there was a behavior or substance that was with arm's reach to remove any chance of me feeling anything close to resembling FEAR. it was, as my niece is fond of saying, my “magic wand.”
yes, as my source material so succinctly covers, when i got clean, i uncovered a plethora of fears and dealt with them in the only manner at my disposal, shopping and building myself up by gossiping and backstabbing others. those behaviors did little to keep the FEAR from coming back, but they certainly allowed me the freedom to live freed from the latest treasure trove of stuff that caused me to shake in my boots. FEAR saved my ass on that night in New Jersey where i almost took my relapse into the physical realm. if that trip to bar had happened one night earlier, i would have partied for sure and then of course i would have been “all in,” returning to the life and doing my best to keep it on the down-low. there was no courage in my decision to white-knuckle it through that night, it was pure unadulterated FEAR of prison that kept me abstinent and brought me to recovery.
today, as i face another day clean and in recovery, i see that the lesson i am learning from dealing with what my Mom has left behind, is that i need to simplify and economize my life. i have way too much stuff and the moves i have made to return it to active use by someone else, is but a start. i am n=t going to go all spartan and sparse here, as i enjoy my things, but it is time to deal with all my things and seeing which i things i no longer need to keep as part of my life. as i finish my laundry and get ready to get out of the house and into the real world, i am sure that there will be one or more things that remind me that being fearless is not the same as being courageous. i can live a better life today, deal with my fear and move along, if i follow the simple and sane program of recovery that has brought m,e to this point, just for today.

∞ DT ∞