Blog entry for:

true courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the willingness to walk through it. here is it, thinking about the difference between courage, bravado and fearlessness. although i was taught, and for the longest time believed that those words were synonyms, and used them interchangeably, the reading this morning has me pondering the subtle and not so subtle differences.
not that i will dwell for very long in the semantics of these terms, but for me it is important to look at these words and clarify what they mean to me today, not what they may mean tomorrow, and certainly not what they did mean yesterday. so a quick dip into a reference book and i will be right back…
…and here i am, i just had to make sure that i knew what i was talking about, and bravado is not a synonym for courage as i thought it might be, it is closer related to the state of fearlessness that that using induced within me, but it may appear to be courageous, depending on how much i swagger. i can see that in the drug influenced reality of active using i was not in the least bit courageous, and acted with bravado in a state of fearlessness.
so flash forward to the her and now, since i am following my example of what not to do with my life. it has taken me courage to allow myself to grow, be assertive and stand-up for myself. one may have thought in active addiction i was all of those things, and it might have appeared that way, because i took great strides to maintain that façade. these days, i am moving forward in my recovery and naturally the appearances i try to maintain are quite different. yes it would be nice to say that appearances have ceased to matter for me, and that i have moved beyond the whole caring about what others may think of me,. or how they may judge me. but old habits are difficult to break, and after so many years of living in the fear of being found out, what little bit is left will probably linger on for the rest of my life. true courage for me today, is that i walk forward, acknowledge that i afraid of being judged badly by others and yet do my level best to be myself, to set the boundaries i have been fearful of setting, to stand-up and say enough, and most of all allow myself to be focused on what is positive within me, instead of what the negative pieces and parts that are still present. i know that the balance between those has been changed, and will continue to change, and yes THIS IS ONE PLACE i have a bit of power. IF i want this change to continue THAN I must do what is put before me, in the course of my daily existence. if i want the gifts of recovery, than i must do the deeds of recovery. walk the talk as a poseur that is in my life, is fond of saying.
so what do i walk forward with today? well, be myself, acknowledge my fear and move forward despite being fearful i can live with a bit of courage today.

∞ DT ∞