Blog entry for:

of making my own decisions. the more responsibility i assume, the more freedom i will gain. the whole ironic part of this is, is that for a long time the freedom that comes from making responsibility was exactly the freedom i least desired at least on a conscious level. after all, who was i to blame for all the crappy things that happened in my life? who could take the fall for me, when decisions were made by default? was it really a trap of dependency really something that was that bad in the long run? well a funny thing happened on my way to this part of my recovery journey, i actually decided somewhere along the line that i was tired of others making the decisions for me, and that i actually resented myself for being so dependent on others for my sustenance, and resented them for being willing to sustain me. so when that conflict got to the point of being painful beyond what i could carry, the switch was flipped in my head, and i actually asked for guidance on how i could become self-reliant. okay i hear the gears turning in my head right now, if i become less dependent on other people for my sustenance, where does the whole prinicple of self-support become self-will? and how can i possibly reconcile this with the fact that i need to depend on the fellowship for my recovery life. well for me, i can spin it or see it in this manner. as far as who is responsible for paying my way in the ‘real’ it is my responsibility, if i want the freedom to live in the manner i choose, where i choose to live and what toys to accumulate, then it is my job to find the means to do so. as far as self-support in my recovery program, it my job to work steps, practice a program in my daily life, go to meetings and allow myself to be touched by other travelers along this journey. for someone who lived off the emotional and material contributions of others, this is always a gray area that i need to be on constant vigilance about. yes i am responsible to support my recovery through my conscious actions in practicing my program. no i am not allowed to drain the lifeblood from the members and the fellowship in general. there will be times in my recovery when i will be in dire straits and that support will be necessary to sustain me, however, i also have to give back to others when they reach that point in their lives. so self-support is not about self-will, those two notions are two different coins, not the flip side of a single one. that being said, time to go off and practice a bit of personal responsibility.
TTFN :)

∞ DT ∞